We all get excited by the prospect of a new connection when we are freshly showered, smelling fantastic, looking good heading out to yet another date. As our hopeful butts hit the bar stool most of us are ill prepared for what comes next… why? Simply speaking, we didn’t take the time to identify what I call Delicious Dating Data, a personal exercise of which you create your own criteria for dating. It helps encourage clarity, sense of self and empowerment to aide you to see past the pretty exterior and into the true essence of who is in front of you. Delicious Dating Data will not only improve your chances of finding that next true connection, more importantly it may save you from crying in your pantry in the fetal position later (speaking from experience). By having a firm grasp on your emotional dating intelligence I want you to take some time and write out the Delicious Dating Data that resonates with you. Keep reading and I will show you how.
Former NFL player and acclaimed Broadway playwright and performer, Bo Eason, suggests strongly to women in his Personal Story Power events that you want to be the girl “who needs to be dealt with”. What that says to me, as a 45 year old single candidate, is that I need to know what my own personal story power is.
In spending time creating my own Delicious Dating Data, my truth emerged as this… you can’t have me for free. What I know to be true is this: when I am dating, I am dating a mirror image of myself; spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically.
So let me give you a list of my Delicious Dating Data in hopes it resonates and inspires you to take some time. “To thine own self be true”.
In this exercise I want you to list the obvious requirements in your next soulful connection, then go a layer beneath and dig for the 3 components that really, really mean something to you. For example:
Delicious Physicality: The energy that draws you in
Obvious:
- non-smoker
- no elicit drug use
- social drinker
- well man-scaped
- physically healthy
Digging Deeper:
- body language to the staff of the establishment you are in says a lot about manners and social graces.
- the way they shake your hand; firm and thumb on top means confidence.. or are they huggers? Not too forward but respectful.
- someone who is open to new physical challenges and loves to play indoors and out while finding great joy in all of the seasons.
Delicious Emotional Availability: Eyes say alot, look at them… deeply
Obvious:
- non-violent
- not newly recovered addict
- can look you in the eye (no crazy eyes)
- good emotional communicator, doesn’t avoid topics of conversation
- interested in you more than talking about themselves
- can speak on many life experiences (not just work)
Digging Deeper:
- does not speak of their X in a continuous or ill-mannered way, has managed own healing of former relationships and is open to the idea of a long term commitment or marriage. Look for key phrases like: “I don’t have alot to give to a relationship right now”, “Just looking for something casual”, “just want to be friends, then see where it goes”. All of these equal “I just want to bang your brains out and leave before you try to snuggle me”… RUN!
- has a healthy sense of self. Uses good language in regards to their well-being, family and children. When speaking of emotional hurts expresses them genuinely and can accept reasonable responsibility for their own life story. Manages financial matters with great care.
- is a consistent communicator. Phones as well as texts. Includes you in meeting friends, family and business associates in multiple facets of their life. Doesn’t have a huge need for privacy or secrecy. When you bring up an issue you are met with someone who listens and addresses your concerns in a loving manner and looks for ways to allow you to feel safe within the relationship. “Progress over Perfection”
Delicious Sexuality: I want to wrap you in a burrito and do crazy things to you
Obvious:
- great hygiene (please clip your nails)
- meets your physical desires (example: back, butt, hands, mouth)
- meets sensual needs
- sexual connection only after monogamy as been established, thank you Patti Stanger
Digging Deeper:
- we had a terrible controversy with a man by the name of Jian Ghomeshi in our neck of the woods this past year. He was into a certain kind of sexual behavior that some of his dates were aware of and some were not. The ones who did not know his preferences struck me. Why didn’t they know? What didn’t they ask? Permission must be granted here… ask, ask, ask away. I do talk about sex on about date three. I start the conversation gentle “what do you like?”, “What don’t you like?”, “What was you best sexual experience?”, “What was you worst?”. I remain open, honest and it usually creates a safe environment. Be mindful here! Listen! BE SAFE!!!
- honest conversations around starting or expanding families. I recently dated the sweetest artist who “kinda, sorta, maybe wanted kids”. After our first date I knew it wasn’t “kinda sorta”, at 45 I’m done having kids. So guess what? Said good-bye before it even became an issue.
- ask for STI/HIV testing before sexual activity.
Delicious Spirituality: Light infused not church abused
Obvious:
- no crazies
- no ISIS members
- no atheists
- in tune with a higher power
Digging Deeper:
- yoga meditation. Important for me to practice yoga and or meditation with someone I adore.
- comfortable talking about all religions and their aspects, good or bad. Willingness to explore what spirituality means to them.
- knowing your animal guide is a bonus… I’m an otter!
So that’s my Delicious Dating Data in a nutshell. My final thoughts… listen to what is being said, not what you want to hear, not what you wish to hear. Real conversations with a potential partner lead to real life results. Go create your Delicious Dating Data, live by it, don’t negotiate and on your next delicious date sit on that stool, lean in and watch those lips move. Smile… you got this!
