Kids are a fundamental part of any serious relationship. And by that, I mean the desire to have them or not have them can completely color the future of a relationship… especially if the couple disagrees. Trust me, I know. You just can’t make a relationship work long term if you two don’t see eye to eye on the kiddo situation. Period. End of story.
When I’m matchmaking, I ask about kids in my preliminary interview. There’s no way I’d match up a couple who didn’t have the same perspective. My very high success rate would totally plunge if I didn’t take children into consideration. But I know that most couples aren’t set up by a skilled matchmaker, and the kid question has to come up naturally. So how soon is too soon? Well, I don’t have a hard and fast rule. It really depends on where you are in your relationship and in your life. Here are some options.
Never too soon
If you’re online dating, it’s never too early to bring up kids. Put it on your profile loud and proud, and only respond to men who have the kid criteria you’re looking for. Online dating is a lot like shopping for a boyfriend. Would you ever order a dress in a size 0 when you know you’re a size 10? No. Then why would you pick a man you knew wouldn’t fit? You shouldn’t waste your time on someone who has such a fundamental difference. And I’m not recommending that you have to talk in depth about your future children on all of your first dates with these online dudes, but get it out there if you’re online dating. (And if you’re single, you should be online dating. It’s the best way to meet someone!)
Before monogamy
If you meet your man offline and you’re thinking of having kids within the next five years, bring up the issue before monogamy. And yes, by that I mean before having sex because for me, sex comes after the monogamy question. If you see a baby in your five-year plan, you’re at the stage of your life where you can’t waste time. Your clock is ticking, so why even commit to a guy who isn’t on the same plan? Instead of hanging with a bum who doesn’t want to be a dad, spend that time finding the father of your future kids. Get on it!
Before it gets serious
If you’re thinking of kids, but they’re definitely not in your five-year plan, I’m assuming you’re a little younger and have some time to mess around. And that’s what your younger years are for, messing around. So go for it, but keep it at that mess-around level. Don’t get serious with anyone without having a talk about children. If you do, you could be in for some serious heartbreak. Obviously, “getting serious,” means different things to different people, so figure out what that means for you. My recommendation is to not meet his family or let him meet yours without having the conversation.
Anyone here disagree with the above? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know.
