When my last relationship ended, I decided to jump on the bandwagon and sign up for OkCupid. It sounded pretty harmless, and at the very least, I thought it might boost my bruised ego. Unfortunately, I was not prepared for what I signed up for. Granted, most women get their share of creepy messages, but I would venture to say that this message takes creepy to a whole new level. I present to you a nominee for the title of Creepiest OkCupid Message Ever. Read at your own risk:
Before I dissect this masterpiece line by line, I’d like to point out that according to OkCupid we are a 69% match and 62% friend.
Line 1: I know you probably don’t undertsand a word im sayin, but i gotta tell you…
Well, the fact that he can’t spell understand correctly means I probably won’t understand any of the words that he says.
Line 2: …you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen in my life.
Thank you. I like where this is going. Keep the compliments coming.
Line 3: And I’d like to strip you down and butter you like a slice of wonderbread,
Okay, so we’re already getting sexual. Doesn’t he know that they don’t make Wonderbread anymore? Did he not get the memo about Hostess being bought out? And wouldn’t margarine be easier to butter me with? I feel like butter would be hard to apply.
And shave your armpits,
Woah. Stop right there. I’ve heard enough. Shave my armpits? Outside of the fact that he’s into some kinky shit, I’m mildly offended that he assumes they wouldn’t already be clean shaven. Would he be using the butter as shaving cream? Come to think of it, butter might leave my skin feeling extra silky after shaving, but that’s besides the point.
And pour honey all over your naked body
Butter and then honey? That just sounds messy. I’m glad he at least threw in the Wonderbread so I could wipe myself off with something.
Line 4: And for the next two weeks pretend I was…a hungry bear.
The ellipsis in this sentence throws me off. Like, was he scared to say a hungry bear? Was it meant to be a dramatic pause before he brought up cannibalism? Also, I guess the honey part now makes sense if he was going to be a hungry bear. But why two weeks? Did he request the time off of work? Is that how long the process usually takes? The specificity of two weeks makes me think this isn’t his first rodeo.
Needless to say, I never responded to this message, and if this is what the dating world is like right now then, quite frankly, I’d rather die alone.
