I just went to a wedding of a dear friend this past weekend. It was gorgeous and so full of love. My heart is overflowing for my friend and her husband. They’re such a perfect couple. I wish I could say that I set them up, but my only involvement was telling her she needs to start online dating. And then, after three bad first dates dates, she met him! So, let that be a lesson to all of you online dating doubters.
But, back to the topic of this post, at the wedding, I sat at a table with a couple I didn’t know. The man got wasted over the course of the night and was a total train wreck. His wife was clearly annoyed with him, but didn’t say anything about the drinking. I’m sure she had her reasons for not making a stink at a wedding, and I respect those, but it got me thinking about how you actually do talk to your man about alcohol problems. Here are some tips.
Plan The Talk
This type of conversation is serious and deserves some forethought. So, don’t just bring this up when you’re both in a rush to get dressed in the morning and expect it to go well. Instead, set up a specific time for the talk. This could be a meeting between just the two of you, or it could be a bigger conversation with other loved ones, depending on how you want to handle it. Make sure it’s a quiet, comfortable location with a designated meeting time. Write out a little script for yourself and practice it in front of the mirror a few times. Know that even if you plan and practice like crazy, this won’t go exactly as expected. But, the prep work will make it go more smoothly.
Have Examples
In your prep, come up with at least three recent examples of when his drinking got out of control. Being specific instead of just saying, “You drink too much all the time,” will be more convincing and will make it easier for him to see your point. Your goal here is to open his eyes to a problem he’s been ignoring, not make him feel terrible. So the more specific and fact based you can get, the better.
Share How It Affects You
Here’s where things are going to get emotional. Let him know how you feel when he drinks too much. Here’s another place where getting specific helps. Have examples of how his drinking has affected your relationship as a couple, your relationships with other people and how you perceive your future with him. This is obviously going to be sad. Don’t worry if you start crying. That kind of emotion is fine for this conversation. What you want to avoid is getting too angry, yelling and turning this conversation into an all out fight. He might want to go that way and it’s up to you not to take the bait and focus on the points that you prepped.
Tell Him What You’d Like Him To Do
Once you’ve laid out the facts, it’s time for you to ask him to change his behavior. What this means can depend on your situation. You can ask him to just cut back on drinking, if you think that’s possible. You could ask him to get involved in Alcoholics Anonymous and completely stop drinking. His situation might even need a trip to rehab to get remedied. Ask for whatever you think would help him and help you. Bring some information on what you’d like him to do, like dates and times of local AA meetings or research you’ve done on appropriate rehab facilities.
Asking someone to change is always hard and when it comes to addiction, it’s a huge ask. But, having a tough conversation like this is the only way the issue will start to get resolved.
