Snooping has become a problem in our social media savvy age. We seem to peek around our partner’s profiles more after a failed relationship. But what happens when you find something that pushes your buttons? Do you have a right to talk to your partner about what you found?
Dear Emily,
Lindsay here from Los Angeles. I love your show and following your tips has truly helped me have the best sex of my life.
I’ve done something that I know is wrong, I went Snooping. Reading my boyfriends emails and texts. I was hurt so badly in my last relationship that I look at this as an insurance policy. To my pleasant surprise, everything is pretty clean. However, I’ve discovered a couple small lies. One evening he said he got a ride home from work with his friend Mike. Turns out, it was with a female co-worker I’ve never met. There’s also been some flirty emails with past lovers that don’t lead to anything, but he never just stops it with “Hey, I HAVE a girlfriend now.”
I obviously can’t bring up the snooping, and he hasn’t broken any rules, but this doesn’t exactly make me feel secure. Thoughts?
Love,
Lindsey
Dear Lindsey,
So glad to hear the show has helped you have the best sex of your life with your current boyfriend. Sounds like things are going well, but you’re still reeling from your past relationship. I understand why this would cause you to snoop, and thankfully you didn’t find anything too incriminating.
Whenever someone snoops, it’s likely they’ll find something questionable. It’s not because we’re all cheating, there are just some things we might keep private because we don’t want to rock the boat.
You found something that is bothering you that might seem harmless to your boyfriend. The problem is, if you hold onto this information now, there’s a chance that your resentment and distrust could build up and you’ll attack him out of left field one day. We don’t want that to happen.
You need to talk to him about it – admit what you did and the reason why you did it. If he doesn’t know about your ex, you can explain to him how it has left you grappling with trust issues.
Let him know what you found, how it made you feel and see what he says. This will open the doors for better communication between the two of you and hopefully you’ll gain some clarity and peace of mind. Express to him that you don’t think it’s appropriate for him to text past lovers and inquire why he would hide the female coworker from you. Listen to what he says and his answers will tell you a lot about him and his beliefs around male and female relationships. He might disagree with you, and see no problem in “harmless” texting. Either way you’ll get some answers, gather important information and have a discussion that will hopefully bring you closer.
You said that you were hurt in your last relationship and I know it can be challenging to build trust again, but you can’t let your past relationship dictate the current relationship.
It will help to work on your own issues around jealousy and distrust, whether that means in therapy or in your relationship.
So stop the snooping, and start focusing on what you have in front of you.You’re having the best sex of your life and hopefully you can find common ground on these issues, put them to rest and move forward in a healthy relationship.
xxx
Emily
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