If you’re reading this post, there is a good chance you’re single, and are wondering, “What am I doing wrong here?” Well, first of all, see my previous post for possible answers. Second of all, I think a better question is: How can I enjoy this time in my life, when I am not tied down, when I am in fact as free as the proverbial bird and can do anything, anytime, anywhere? That, my friends, is the question…
Let me preface this by saying I love my husband and my children with all my heart. But, once you have a spouse and kids, it is like you are given a magic potion that allows you to clearly see how much fun it actually was when you were single. It’s a different kind of fun than being married with kids, by which I mean, it is in fact what people commonly mean when they say “fun.” Here are some differences between being single and being married with kids:
1. When you’re single, you go out.
At night, and to fun places. You say, you can do this when married with small kids too! And I say, just you wait, Grasshopper.
You: I want to try the new wine bar.
Friend: Awesome, let’s go there after the new Mexican place!
Versus
You: I want to try the new wine bar.
Husband: I thought the only sitter we trust went back to college.
You: (silently resent world)
2. You can date around!
When you’re married, there is only one game in town. And if he is busy or tired, it’s not like you can rent someone else’s husband to go out with for date night. Or maybe that could be a profitable side venture for Patti. (Patti? Are you listening?)
You: Are you free to hang out tonight?
Man 1: No, I’m going out with the guys.
You: (start texting Guy 2)
Versus:
You: are you free to hang out tonight?
Husband: I told you, I’m working late on a big project.
You: FINE I’LL JUST DO NOTHING AS USUAL.
3. You spend all your money on yourself!
Yes, isn’t it wonderful? You work, then you receive money, and then you buy things that you, yourself, want! If you don’t find this miraculous, ask one of your friends with kids what I’m talking about and watch them sigh with defeat before explaining camp, lessons, mortgages, birthday parties where you rent a pony, and so forth.
You: Hey, let’s spend my bonus on a trip to Maui!
Boyfriend: We can get the airline tickets with my frequent flier miles!
(excited High Five)
Versus
You: Hey, let’s spend my bonus on getting out of debt!
Husband: First we need to make sure preschool is paid for!
4. You never have to get up before about 7am.
Work starts at 9, maybe 8. If you get up at 7, you have time to have coffee and go on Facebook. I do too, if I want to have coffee and go on Facebook while my kids run around naked and try to dismantle the furniture.
You: God, I’m so tired. I only slept from 11 to 7.
Versus
You: God, I’m so tired. I haven’t slept since 2012.
5. When you have a significant other, there is a wonderful feeling of novelty.
Everything they say is new and exciting, and often signifies how much you guys are Meant to Be Together.
You: I like chocolate ice cream.
Boyfriend: Me too!
You: That’s so funny!! We like all the same foods!!
Versus
You: I like chocolate ice cream.
Husband: Me too!
You: Get your own damn ice cream, who the hell was up with the baby five times last night?
6. And lastly, and the best of all, you get to really explore who YOU are as a person.
You can try different jobs, hobbies, even personality traits. You can experiment with being more laid back or more Type A. You can go to grad school (if you’re masochistic) or travel for a year in Europe or intern at a TV show. You can go into therapy, and since I am a therapist and believe in the power of therapy to change lives, I certainly recommend it, for everyone. You can volunteer with kids, or animals, or for any cause you believe in. You have time and energy, and you can focus on developing yourself into the person you most want to be.
So, don’t wish away these single years as I and many of my single girlfriends did. Instead, try and use the years before mortgages and preschool pickup to really “find yourself,” as they say. And once you have found yourself, you will probably be ready to find someone else to spend your life with. Because even though family life may not be the most exciting life, it can also be a rewarding and love-filled life. Especially if (maybe only if!) you’re already happy with the person you are.
