Relationships are a lot of work. It is a fact! The two people in a relationship are working to be in sync and on the same page, striving for that perfect relationship (which does not exist)! To be in sync takes two humans and tries to get them aligned in the right direction and understand what the other is doing, thinking, or dreaming. It is like taking two humans who are different with different backgrounds and trying to align them in a partnership. It is complicated!
The saying “opposites attract” makes me laugh now because what it really means is “I choose you because we have a lot of differences—we grew up different, we have different traumas, maybe we are different cultures,” and on and on. It is obvious that opposites attract. Even partners with a lot in common are at times opposites! Maybe they sit on opposing sides, or they don’t agree on everything. An opposite partner is not just the opposite sex—it could be an opposite same-sex relationship. There are many types of relationships.
How do we get in sync? For true intimacy to happen women and men have certain needs right off the bat. Feminine energy needs to feel seen, understood, and safe. Masculine energy needs to feel appreciated, and men need their freedom and want to play! Nothing will shut intimacy down quicker than a feminine energy that criticizes a masculine energy. When women threaten the masculine energy, it is pretty much over. Most men will not tolerate it. They will move on very quickly whether they are married or not. The relationship is over. No one wants to live in a insecure way.
I had to learn this the hard way. After my divorce I was forced into looking at my side of the relationship. When I say forced, it was more like I was on my knees wondering why I failed so badly at my marriage. Nothing will bring you to your knees quicker than a failed relationship. In my case I was on my knees, and that is where the growth started. I went on a journey, read every book, and took every workshop because I wanted to understand my part and why it is so darn hard to get in sync. I remember when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie separated, and my first thought was “Those two beautiful humans?! If they cant make it, is there hope?”
I go back to my opening statement, “Relationships are work!” While that is true, when we are in love, love is grand! Love lights us up, there is no better feeling than going to bed at night with your partner’s arms wrapped around you. It is bliss! So how do we get out of sync? Some of the basic, simple go-tos on how to keep a healthy relationship still ring true today:
1. Do not go to bed angry.
2. Go to the relationship to give, not get.
3. Live in gratitude.
One of the things I learned on my self-discovery on why I had a fourteen-year relationship end was that we had no map. Right out of the gate we were set up for failure. We had no direction or plan of where the relationship was going. I wasn’t writing anything down or coming to the table with what I needed. It is so important to do this right away during the exploration period. This is why it is called dating—it is to explore and see if the things you both want match up and are in sync. Most people are so caught up in the chemistry that they forget to do the exploration work. Don’t get married and then have a dream! LOL. Have a dream and find someone who loves your dream, and vice versa.
I had no chance with the tools I had at the time. I was constantly threatening the relationship, separating, and, worse of all, blaming, which all lead to resentments. Resentments lead to anger, and then it is pretty hard to follow the first rule, do not go to bed angry. Needless to say, the end of my first marriage brought out the ugly version of myself, one I am not proud of. The good news is that although my marriage did not last and did not have the fairytale ending, I got something so much more. I found me! I did a lot of work to figure out my part, let go of the past resentments, and focus on my heart and not my head!
Anytime I want to replay that tape, I just put my hands on my heart and say, “What would my heart do?” I have beautiful tools today. I practice using these tools on me. Yes, on me first. I become the person I want to date! I suggest if you are in a relationship or dating, get prepared and write out all the things you want in a partner, every detail, do not leave anything out. Then become that person! Become the person you want to date. It is a great start. When you begin the exploration, you’ll have a clear idea of what you are looking for. It really helps to cut through all the nonsense! You can also do this if you are already in a relationship and build from there. It might shed light on any problems you might be having, or it could end the relationship. Relationships will die if they are not cared for.
Ask yourself, How are you caring for your relationship? What are you bringing to the table? Are you giving and loving? Or are you holding back? Shutting down? Take a look at only your part and see if there are areas where you could improve—not because you want your partner to but because you want to. The disagreements will happen, that is part of the deal. This is your one and only, your true love, your person—so how would you treat that person even when you are upset? Like I said in the beginning, relationships are a lot of work. Love yourself, take the oxygen first, put your hands on your heart, and let it guide you. Stay in your heart and out of your head, and I guarantee you will have a greater chance of being in sync.
Debsxo
