You guys know I’m all about communication. I’m not shy. Like, at all. For the most part, I like to be sure everyone in a 50 foot radius of me knows exactly what I’m thinking and feeling at all times. But, there’s one place where I can get a little quiet and I think most people feel the same way. I’m talking about speaking up in the bedroom and letting your partner know exactly what you want when it comes to sex. Open communication is key to a successful relationship and it’s beyond important when it comes to a successful sex life. We all know it’s important to speak up, but speaking up is easier said than done… even for someone as comfortable as sharing her thoughts as I am! So, I thought I could help you out with some tips.
Ask him what he wants
A great way to get a conversation about needs and desires when it comes to sex is to ask your man what he’d change about your sex life. In a selfish way, that puts the burden on him to break the ice with the first potentially awkward conversation topic. Then, you’ll see how not awkward talking about sex with someone you dig actually is. Hopefully, you two won’t just end it with his needs and the conversation will segue naturally into what you’re looking for, too. Remember, you need to be open and receptive to whatever your man tells you he wants in bed. That doesn’t mean you have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. But, you shouldn’t be judgey or dismissive if he brings up something you think is icky or weird. The more open you are, the more open your conversations will be.
Do it early and often
Don’t make talking about sex a one time thing. That puts a lot of pressure on a single conversation. Instead, get in the habit of talking about sex regularly. That way, each chat will feel less awkward and sex talks will start to feel like normal, natural communication to you two. Also, our bodies and desires change over time. Lord knows I can’t do some of the moves that used to be my bedroom staples. So, even if you’ve been with your guy forever and feel like you know every single thing there is to know about his sexual desires, it’s worth checking in regularly.
Give lots of reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is really effective in terms of behavior modification. If you’re too uncomfortable to tell your guy that you hate that one thing he does to you, you don’t have to. Instead, you can just react very positively to the other stuff he’s doing to you that you like. Be specific about what feels good and how into what’s going on you are. And then, when that one yucky move of his rolls around, don’t reinforce that at all. After a few sessions of this, your guy will be focusing on what’s getting verbally appreciated and forgetting about what you’re not reinforcing.
Be sexy about it
Giving feedback about sex doesn’t have to be some sort of sterile, passionless sex ed class with diagrams and a Q&A session. Talking about sex can be part of foreplay and it can be really sexy. Let him know what you’ve been hoping he’d do to you all day. Or give him some playful instructions on where and how to kiss you. Talking about sex is way more sexy than it is awkward. It is sex after all!
Hope that helps some of you address some issues in the bedroom and have the best sex lives possible!
Photo credit: Chalky Lives / CC BY
