Dear Emily,
I’ve never been a big believer in long distance relationships, but I just found out that my boyfriend of a year is going to have to move out of state for his job. He’ll will be gone for at least 6 months, possibly even a year. I don’t want to call it quits and neither does he, but we both have our doubts on how to make this work. Trust is not the issue, I’m more worried about losing the passion we currently have. How can we keep up the intimacy when we’re literally thousands of miles away?
Sincerely,
Long Distance Doubtful
_____________________________________________
Dear LDD,
I know this is a HUGE change and you’re probably feeling overwhelmed, but just know that things are not as bad as they may seem.
You’ve got a lot of factors working in your favor: You’re in a good place in your relationship, you both want to make it work and you’ve got a pretty solid end date for your time apart. Six to twelve months may feel like a lot now, but at least you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Luckily, LDR’s are a lot more sustainable now than they’ve ever been before. Back in the days of snail mail and landlines, long distance relationships were practically a death sentence for a budding romance. Now, with the advent of cell phones, email, social media and Skype, it’s a so much easier to stay connected and feel close to your partner during time spent physically apart.
Yes, there will be challenges. There will be times when you’ll crave the simplicity of a comforting hug or a steamy kiss. There will be days when you can’t fathom the idea of another moment spent apart. But with the perfect mix of honesty, communication and some good old-fashioned phone sex, you and your partner CAN make your relationship go the distance.
Here are a few tricks to keep the intimacy alive in your LDR:
1. Step Up Your Communication
One of the things couples find they miss most in an LDR is sharing the small details of each other’s lives. What you had for lunch, the songs you listened to during your commute, how you managed to spend a mere $80 at Target when your average is $130 — These are the little pieces that make up emotional intimacy. Without them, you may start to feel out of touch with your partner, making the distance feel that much farther.
The best way to maintain this intimacy is to stay in constant communication. You can talk on the phone regularly, text throughout the day, send emails during work, hop on FaceTime for video chats, and even go old school with some romantic snail mail exchanges. There are so many ways to keep the communication going, so don’t be afraid to utilize them all!.
2. Make Plans (& Stick to Them)
For the average non-distance couple, spontaneity is a great quality to have in a relationship. Unfortunately for LDR couples, you’ve already got too many variables out of your control. For you and your partner, true intimacy lies in the routines you both create and stick with, so it’s crucial to schedule regular times to talk — “dates” if you will. And instead of just talking and sharing details of your day, make plans for these cyber dates: Watch a movie together, read a book aloud, or cook together and enjoy the meal via Skype.
You must also make plans for several visits ahead of time.
Knowing exactly when you will be seeing or talking with your boyfriend will give you both something to look forward to, and will help alleviate some of the uncertainty that stems from long distance love.
3. Find Creative Ways to Get Sexy
Sex is ALWAYS important, but it will become exponentially more important when you’re unable to have it regularly. Yes, you will feel sexually frustrated. You will miss the physical act of lovemaking. But instead of simply forgoing the physical intimacy during your time apart, why not try to come up with creative ways to make your relationship hotter than ever?
Here are a couple suggestions to get you started:
Revisit the art of the steamy love letter. One of the most thrilling things about mail is that it’s not a form of instant communication. Crafting a handwritten letter takes time, and the wait between sending mail out and getting a response is almost like teasing before sex; the delayed gratification adds a level of excitement that no email could ever provide. Make it a game between you and your man where you each build off of the previous letter until you’ve got yourselves one steamy sex novel.
Bring back phone sex. I personally consider phone sex to be a lost art form, like ballroom dancing and Hugh Grant movies. It’s a great way to share sexual fantasies and experiences with a partner, especially for those who are a bit camera shy. There are a few ways to go about phone sex (all of which should be accompanied by masturbation): You can either describe what you’re doing to yourself, tell your partner what you’d want them to do to you (and vice versa), or describe an elaborate sex fantasy. The goal of these spicy calls should be to reach beautiful, simultaneous orgasms together!
Get down digitally. You know I’m a big fan of mutual masturbation, largely for the wonderful view it provides. And what better way to share your masturbatory experiences with a partner than via Skype? Skype calls combine the breathy sensuality of phone sex with the visual appeal of sexting photos, allowing you to see and be seen by your lover. This is the time to put on a show by dressing up in your most alluring lingerie, performing a sexy strip tease, or even acting out your hottest fantasies. And don’t be afraid to use props, like a Fleshlight for him and a hand-held vibrator for you, for an added touch of spice!
Bottom line, LDD: There IS hope for you and your boyfriend, as long as you are both making effort to keep the intimacy going. One of the greatest predictors of a failed LDR comes from an unwillingness to plan for changes in the relationship, so do your best to be flexible and stay positive. Who knows, you may come out of this a stronger and even hotter couple!
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Have a question? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.
