If you watch Millionaire Matchmaker, you know that I put a lot of emphasis on religion when I’m matching a millionaire. I always ask my clients how important religion is to them and if they’d prefer to be matched with a partner of the same faith. I’ve been around the block in this business and I know that religion can be a maker or a breaker in relationships. Unfortunately though, unless you have a professional matchmaker helping you out, the topics of religion and faith in your life plan often don’t come up until you’re already very emotionally invested in your relationship. So, if you’ve found yourself loving someone whose religious beliefs don’t match up with your own, here’s how to deal.
Decide how important religion is to you
Did you read that closely? How important is religion to you? Not to your mom or your grandmother or your childhood rabbi. How important is religion to you? Think about how religion impacts your daily life and your perspective on the world. Is it a lot or is it something you only think about the one time a year you go to church? Really do some self-exploration and figure out how important religion is to your life and how you envision your future.
Make a list of what about your religion is important
Get out a pen and paper or open up a Word doc and write out what about your religion is important to you and your future. If you’re Jewish, is it important to keep kosher? If you’re Muslim, how often do you see your future family praying together? If you’re Catholic, do you need to get married in a church? What exactly is important about your religion and your heritage that impacts your current life and, more importantly, the life you envision sharing with a partner?
Make a list of what about his religion is a deal breaker
This list is a little touchier. What about your boo’s religion is a deal breaker to you? If he’s Christian, would it kill you to have a Christmas tree in your house? Are you not comfortable with how his religion treats women? Would raising your kids in his faith be impossible to you? Write a list of elements of his religion you can’t compromise on and won’t have in your life, current or future.
Talk about it
Now that you have your notes, ask your man to create similar lists and then talk to him about your feelings on your mismatched religions. If he’s willing to compromise on certain traditions that are important to you and you’re able to give him the opportunity to worship how he wants and still feel comfortable, then that’s great. But, if you two have real sticking points that just won’t get resolved, for example if he needs to have his children baptized and you’re insistent on raising your family Jewish, then it might be time to call it quits. Be honest with your religious needs and know that with compromise, any religious pairing can work. But also, without it, even people of the same religion won’t stay together.
Some of the happiest couples I know are interfaith. What makes these relationships work is communication, flexibility and, most importantly, faith in their relationships. (See what I did there with the word faith? I’ll be here all week, people.)
