So you have a date! Maybe you swiped lucky, maybe an awesome friend set you up, or maybe—just maybe—you read my 9-step guide and are now getting more new matches. Whatever the reason, if your excitement is paired with a rush of anxiety, you’re not alone.
While some of us can roll with dates like it’s just any meetup, some of us can’t. Some of us have so much anxiety that it’s actually getting in the way of a second date.
If this sounds like you—read on. If it doesn’t sound like you—also read on, because when the time comes, you’ll be able to give your friends a pre-dating pep talk.
First, the Don’ts:
Don’t have a pre-date drink or shot. I get it. A quick one for the nerves, right? The problem is, you don’t want to risk getting drunk. You may think, “Oh, but I’ll only have one or two on the date. I’ll be just fine.” But what if it’s a really good date? What if it’s one of those dates you don’t want to end? You risk over-serving yourself, which brings me to #2…
Don’t over-serve yourself during the date. It’s common to be overly concerned with wanting your date to like you. And, you think, the more you drink, the more carefree you feel. The thing is, people can be super dismissive about drinking habits early on, especially when they don’t know you just yet. You risk your date assuming getting drunk is a regular thing for you, and won’t give you another chance. You’ll be better off telling them you get a little nervous on a first date but that you’ll warm up when you feel comfortable.
Don’t futurize. I know this is a hard one. As conversations unfold, and you’re vibing pretty well, halt that imagination! Don’t start thinking about what it would be like to bring a plus-one to your friend’s wedding that’s happening in two months. Don’t think of finally having a date for Valentine’s Day. And for the love of God, don’t even think about your wedding day hashtags. When you futurize, you can put pressure on yourself to make a relationship work, and this allows us to start falling in love with the fantasy—which usually blinds us to the reality.
Don’t take it personally. I saved the hardest don’t for last. To put this in perspective, you don’t know the emotional, physical, or mental state that your date is in when you meet up with them. They could be pining for an ex, nursing a bruised ego, bored AF, searching for the ever-elusive spark, hoping to get laid, etc. If you don’t hear from them ever again, don’t overanalyze. This really isn’t about you. Instead, focus on the next first date.
And now, the Do’s…
Do remind yourself your date is a stranger. Say it with me: “My date is a stranger.” This is a mantra I teach my anxious clients to say to themselves before they walk into a date. Even if you had a strong online connection before meeting IRL, you still don’t actually know your date well enough to know if they’re going to be a good fit for you. Your date could be super charming…but what if they have a temper? Or they have a history of cheating on every partner they’ve had? Don’t get anxious over someone who could be a terrible fit for you. Remind yourself that you’re having a conversation…with a stranger. So say it with me again: “My date is a stranger.”
Do remember that your date is not—and will never be—perfect. Your date may look great on paper, and this might trigger anxiety because “someone like that” shows interest. This is a problem because you’re already putting your date on a pedestal, which puts you in a one-down position. Usually this causes people to work too hard, as they feel like they need to go the extra mile to impress. This also causes people to miss red flags. So ask yourself, “Do I like them? Can they meet my needs?”
Do be prepared with stories. Common dating advice is to be prepared with questions. And yes, you definitely should have some good questions. But stories are also crucial. Because when people share stories, they come alive. So think about something funny that’s happened to you, so you can show off your humor. Or share something that is meaningful, so your date can see some depth. Some of my clients get the message from dates that they’re hard to read, but when they were prepared with stories, their personalities shined through. Again, questions are great, but make sure it doesn’t sound like an interview. Telling stories is how we connect, and sharing is sexy, so do it.
Do practice with the maybes. Do you prefer to find someone who is Jewish, but you see a cute Catholic? Swipe right. Have you never dated someone with children, but see a pretty mom? Swipe right. Instead of exclusively going for that hottie who checks every single box on paper, go for the maybe. It’s low-pressure because they may already come to the table with a deal breaker. And one of the best ways of working through anxiety is repeated exposure. You’ll be reminded that you can be engaging, you do have a fun personality, and you can survive a two-hour date…and who knows…maybe you’ll find that your deal breakers aren’t really deal breakers after all.
