A little while back, I met someone.
Online of all places. Despite my jaded view of internet dating, this summer while my son was at camp, I met a woman I liked. A lot. Not because she was hot, which she was, but because when we looked at each other, when we kissed, there was something…electric. Special. In the years since my divorce, I haven’t felt like this before.
We met over a glass of wine. “So, would you have more kids,” was the first thing she asked. Wow, she didn’t waste any time. This was her “deal breaker.” She was 41 and wanted kids of her own, but was realistic enough about her biological clock to acknowledge she might have to adopt. She was dealing in reality—a good start.
“I’m happy with the one I have, but if we fall in love and decide that’s what we want to do, I would, yes.” She smiled. Good answer.
There was chemistry, for sure. But that can be misleading. A lot of internet daters have an agenda, they’re looking for a qualified applicant, not necessarily passion and romance.
She wanted to move slowly. She had made some hasty relationship decisions in the past. Years had gone by, no husband or kid in sight.
Our first date ended with a hug; the second date, a hot make-out session. I thought we were moving forward.
If you have a story, my advice is to ditch the dude on the white horse, leave the fairy tale behind. Look at the opportunities you have. If you love the life that’s in front of you, it’s going to love you back.
After that, a strange pattern emerged. We became closer but after a few dates we seemed to start back at square one. She would greet me with a hug, almost like a handshake. By the end of the night we were holding hands and making out in all sorts of public places, even though PDA was “not her thing.”
I told her we should stop dating and be together. Seemed like a good idea to me and I wanted to get to the good stuff. She wasn’t ready.
Finally, one night after a date, I called her. There was something she wasn’t telling me and I wanted to know what it was.
“Your commitment to your son scares me,” she said. Wait, what? She told me that having a family was her priority, wasn’t a devoted father exactly what she was looking for?
“Yes but…it doesn’t fit with the vision I’ve always had for my life”.
There it was. She had a “story” she had been telling herself of how her life was supposed to go, and I didn’t fit neatly into it. I couldn’t compete with her version of Prince Charming. Game over.
Why do so many women have a story of what their life should look like? You hear them say it all the time, “I still believe in the fairy tale”.
The thing is, life happens! Things change and you have to live the life that’s in front of you. Not the one that’s been in your imagination since your mother read you that book.
Life presents us with opportunities to grow, become a better person. It’s usually something that challenges us, takes us out of our comfort zone. We have the choice to ignore it or confront it.
Perhaps I was an opportunity for this woman to grow, to do something that made her uncomfortable at first, but there was the possibility of a big payoff. She chose to run away.
If you have a story, my advice is to ditch the dude on the white horse, leave the fairy tale behind. Look at the opportunities you have. If you love the life that’s in front of you, it’s going to love you back.
