My friend just told me about a wedding she went to where a Hindi man married a Catholic woman. There was a Hindi ceremony one day, a Catholic ceremony the next and the following day, there was a non-denominational ceremony. It was a whole lot of ceremonies for one wedding. But, that’s what worked for this couple navigating a mixed-faith marriage. If you’re in a relationship with someone of another faith, there’s going to be a lot of compromise in your future. Here are my tips for how to go about it.
Be clear about non-negotiables
We all of certain things we’re not willing to budge on. I call these “non-negotiables.” You get five of them when you’re looking for a mate. And you get five of them when you’re in a relationship. So, pick yours carefully and then be clear when you communicate them to your partner, especially those involving religious aspects. Maybe you need to get married in a specific type of temple. Or you’d never be comfortable with your children being baptized. Or you need a Christmas tree in your house every year. You may never have thought of these as a point of contention if you haven’t dated seriously outside your religion or culture, so give this some thought. I’d recommend writing down your five things and then having a sit down with your partner to review them. Hopefully, your partner will have done the same. See what is workable together and what isn’t. It’s a good starting point for a discussion about what your mixed faith relationship will look like. And I’d recommend bringing this up sooner rather than later. I know it’s a touchy subject and this conversation won’t be a joy, but it’s better to establish all of these things as early as possible and not go into a relationship where your boo and you have very different ideas of the future.
Don’t give in, figure out
Compromise isn’t about giving in on one issue and winning on the next. It’s about figuring out what works best for your relationship and doing that. If you’re keeping tally marks about who gets their way more or making sure that you each win evenly, you’re not compromising. True compromise is finding a path that makes both of you confident and happy about your future together. And sure, that might mean you don’t get to do things the way you envisioned initially, but you’ll still get your way…just a new definition of your way. I know it’s cheesy, but you need to think about it that way or all the wins and loss and giving in and giving up will build up resentment between you two.
Focus on your relationship
You need to do what’s best for your relationship, not what’s best for your family’s idea of your relationship or what’s easiest for your friends to understand. This is tough to do in general, but it’s especially difficult around religion. Faith is such a community oriented thing. But, in this case, you need to whittle down your community to two people, your boo and you, and focus on you two. Once you figure out what’s best for you two, you can then figure out how to best present it to your friends and families. But, don’t let their reaction shake your resolve. You know what works for your relationship. And unsolicited advice is always self-serving. So, know that everyone’s take on your relationship is truly about them, not about you.
I know mixed faith marriages can work out beautifully with enough conversation and compromise. And, depending on how you guys work it out, your future kids could wind up with the best of both of your religions and cultures. How could that be a bad thing?
