Category Archives: Relationships

By Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT

I’m late to the James Clear bandwagon. I only recently read his #1 New York Times bestseller Atomic Habits on the recommendation of a client. 

Lately I’ve been finding myself struggling with time management. I haven’t been a fan of the word ‘routine’ because I viewed it as restricting, but I wanted to better handle the increased workload due to the pandemic and try something new. 

What immediately struck me were the following words: 

Habits do not restrict freedom. They create it. If you’re always being forced to make decisions about simple tasks—when should I work out, where do I go to write, when do I pay the bills—then you have less time for freedom…Building habits in the present allows you to do more of what you want in the future.

Not only did this make me think about myself, but as a relationship therapist, this made me think about my clients. Too busy to connect. Too tired for sex. Too stressed to be present. I tell them all the time: creating relationship habits can take away the time wasted on thinking about what to do and when to do it, which would give more time to enjoying the relationship. 

Habits are behaviors you engage in on a regular basis—and eventually they become routine. And these small, day-to-day moments with your partner matter more than you can even imagine. In fact, relationship researcher and expert Dr. John Gottman calls these “sliding door moments.” Every day you have many opportunities to bring your partner closer, or push your partner away. 

So, if you’re struggling in your relationship, establishing a routine can help. 

Your routine is propelled by your identity.

In order for habits to last, Clear says that they must be addressed on the “Identity level,” which targets changing your beliefs. These beliefs can include beliefs about yourself, your partner, and your life situation. They include your assumptions and how you think things “should be.”

When I read this part, I felt a jolt of excitement. I talk about these internal beliefs with my clients all of the time! In our sessions, we dig for the beliefs that no longer serve them—or simply just don’t work. And once beliefs are changed and mindsets are shifted, behaviors align, which leads to long-lasting change. 

So, what does this look like? Well, the focus is less on the goal and instead on who you want to become. For instance, instead of, “I want to run a marathon,” frame it as, “I want to become a runner.” Instead of, “I want to publish a book,” think, “I want to become a writer.” 

I thought this is perfect for relationships too—but in the context of becoming the best version of you. Think about the type of partner that you want to become:

I want to become an effective communicator.

I want to become a better listener.

I want to become more comfortable with negative emotions.

I want to become more vulnerable and intimate.

I want to become a thoughtful partner.

I want to become more reliable and consistent. 

I want to become more sexually expressive. 

Clear emphasizes that the focus should always be on becoming that type of person, not pressuring yourself to obtain a particular outcome. For example, if your desired outcome is to have more sex with your partner, consider what kind of person would you want to be in order for your partner to want to have more sex with you? Does this mean you need to become more thoughtful? Romantic? Consistent and reliable? Emotionally available? Respectful? 

Here’s the best part of this practice. Once you get going, this philosophy actually works both ways: your identity creates your habits, and your habits create your identity. 

What’s your voice telling you—and how can you change it through evidence?

It’s also important to focus on the kinds of evidence—or the steps you take—that support your new identity. One of my clients, whom I’ll name Rosalie, avoided conflict with her husband for years. Her husband preferred to work through their problems with open communication and was frustrated that she shut down the conversations. We worked on her pessimistic beliefs around conflict: she grew up afraid of conflict and so viewed it as negative. She also thought problems would just fix themselves (note: this rarely worked). Rosalie’s go-to habit was sweeping things under the rug. 

So she changed her beliefs. She started to tell herself that conflict can be healthy and effective. In less than 2 months, she actually sought him out to have a talk! Not only was her shift in beliefs important, but because her husband increased his respect of her perspective, she was able to gain evidence that tough conversations weren’t as bad or uncomfortable as she thought they would be. She was no longer afraid of conflict. By changing her beliefs about herself, she became someone who was comfortable with conflict. 

It’s important to have a conversation with your partner about the type of person you want to become. After all, not only will you likely need their support in forming and maintaining this new identity—it’s an opportunity to enrich each other’s lives and grow closer and more in love.

Clear offers various strategies to create—and stick to—habits:

1. Implementation intention: you are specific about when and where you will engage in a particular behavior.

His research shows that the more specific you are about when you will do a behavior, the higher the probability of following through. But if you’re vague about an action, “I want to work out more,” then it won’t happen. I see this with my clients when they say, “We should do date night more often,” but weeks can go by and it never happens. I ask clients to schedule sex. I initially get a lot of resistance around it (“It will seem forced, it’s not romantic”), but the clients that have scheduled sex end up having more sex—and more romance. 

Some examples of implementation intention:

We will talk about our day for 30 minutes at 9pm in the living room. 

When I’m in the office, I will call my partner right after I finish eating lunch.

We will have sex every Saturday morning as soon as we wake up. 

2. Habit stacking: the process of stacking your new behavior with one you are already currently doing. 

One of my couples told me recently that they feel really close to each other after our sessions. They’re vulnerable, attentive and supportive toward each other during therapy. Because of this, they told me that physical intimacy, which had been almost non-existent, became a habit after each session. So the new habit (physical intimacy) was stacked onto the current habit (weekly therapy).

Other examples of habit stacking:

After you brush your teeth in the morning, you find your partner to give them a kiss.

After we sit down for dinner, we will each say one thing we appreciate about the other.

After we take a shower, we will make love. 

As soon as I shut my office door, I will text my partner that I am heading home. 

3. Temptation bundling: pairing a behavior that you want to do with a behavior that you need to do.

You’re already doing things on a daily basis that you look forward to. Now, pair it with something that you need to do to increase your chances of following through (but make sure to do what you need to do first).

After we connect for 10 minutes, I will check Instagram. 

After I unload the dishwasher, I will watch Netflix.

After I put our child to bed, I will get on the Peloton. 

4. Two-Minute Rule: a new habit should take less than two minutes to do.

You might be thinking, “Who does something for just two minutes?” You get into the habit of just showing up. It’s about establishing the beginning of the habit in the first place—and this helps you follow through on the entire habit immediately. “Go for a run” might mean putting on your running clothes and shoes. 

Here are some relationship scenarios that can help replace bad habits with good ones in less than 2 minutes:  

Scenario: You avoid uncomfortable talks at all cost.

Two-minute rule: You sit at the dining room table for 2 minutes to get into the habit of showing up for the conversation. 

Scenario: You’re not into physical affection but your partner is.

Two-minute rule: Start with cuddling for 2 minutes anytime you start watching a show together. 

When it comes to relationships, this ‘two-minute rule’ is a game changer. When you feel like your partner is showing up for you, it creates feelings of safety, trust, and connection. 

5. Never miss twice: It’s about growth, not perfection.

Be realistic about habit formation never being perfect. Life is messy and will derail us. Clear’s solution for this is in the form of a mantra: Never miss twice.

Never miss two date nights in a row

If you miss catching up about the day because your child is running a fever, make a point to connect the following day, even if only for a few minutes.

Never miss calling your partner to see how their day is going more than once. 

It’s about less work in the future.

Clear states that “the costs of your good habits are in the present. The costs of your bad habits are in the future.” No one gets married thinking they will divorce. No one starts a relationship thinking about breaking up.

Most people think that what brings my couples seek relationship counseling are the big things like cheating, money issues, or substance abuse. It’s not.

What brings my clients to therapy is disconnection. They don’t feel listened to or understood. They don’t feel appreciated. They feel taken for granted. It’s the small moments, built up over the course of months or years, that create these problems and feelings. 

The good news is that you have the choice to put your relationship on a healthy trajectory—with just small moments. So start small, and stay consistent.

It’s the little behaviors that will give you a remarkable relationship.

A client plopped down on my couch last week — let’s call him Brian. He said, “I’m getting married in 4 months, but I’m at a crossroads. How do I know if I’m doing the right thing?”

These questions aren’t easy to answer —but it’s frequently a part of my job. I often help clients decide if they should either get engaged or go through with their wedding. Typical questions include: Am I making a mistake? How do I know we will last? Why am I having doubts? 

For Brian, he wondered, “What will happen after marriage? What will the day-to-day be like?”

Of course, if you find yourself at a crossroads, like Brian, I highly suggest booking one-on-one time with a relationship therapist to talk through your concerns or doubts. However, if you’re still waiting for an appointment, here are five questions to help you discern what’s going on in your head. 

At the very least these questions will help you decide if you’re just having cold feet, or if your gut is really trying to warn you of something real. 

1. Do I want my partner to make changes after marriage?

Yes, change is part of life—we all will change. Yet there’s a difference between growing as a couple or evolving as an individual, versus wanting your partner to be more like you or hoping they’ll stop some major behaviors completely once you tie the knot. 

Because, I can assure you, the latter will be met with resistance and resentment. I’ve had many clients admit that they went through with the wedding because they rationalized their partner’s behaviors by telling themselves things such as: 

They’ll grow out of it.

It’s just a phase.

They’ll mature.

They’ll change their mind.

If you have plans on overhauling your partner’s personality or traits—you’re taking a risk. Your partner will not magically change their behaviors after the wedding. 

2. Can I truly cope with our differences?

Differences in a partner are often intriguing at first. They’re novel and that can drive up feelings of excitement and infatuation. But what happens when the infatuation fades? Things you thought that was cute at first might be really annoying later. 

This is where you need to get into specifics about your differences. How do you both spend money? How much alone time do you need? Do you prefer stability overexcitement? How hard do you party? Sometimes couples avoid these topics due to fear of losing the relationship, or they think, “We’ll figure it out after marriage.” Don’t wait. Addressing these differences now might actually make your relationship stronger in the long run.  

This is also where you need to think inwardly. Do you criticize your partner for how they do things? Do you have contempt toward your partner for how they are? If so, these are tell-tale signs that you do not respect them. You needn’t always see eye-to-eye, but you do need to be able to understand each other and compromise effectively to make any relationship work.  Remember, no one else is going to be exactly like you, not even your future spouse. But if you don’t respect them, don’t marry them. 

3. Am I myself?

In good relationships—you’re often the best version of yourself, your full self. While you’re positively influenced by a loving partner, you’ll also want to maintain and grow your own identity. In a good relationship, you stay true to your values, interests, passions, goals, etc. — all while keeping your voice in the relationship. And this should go both ways. 

If you find yourself suppressing your own needs and concerns, it’s likely that you’re not being your true self. If you minimize the importance of your wants and needs — and rationalize behavior you’re not excited about, this means you need to stop and think. This may or may not have to do with your partner. Some people might be insecure about appearing too needy —so they don’t speak up. (However, others might be in a relationship where there’s manipulation and gaslighting — which, in this case, you need to run.)

Also, be honest. Are you hiding something from your partner? Maybe debt, an addiction, or lifestyle preference you haven’t voiced? If you start with honesty: the best-case scenario is our partner will be supportive of your transparency. In good relationships, they will stay by your side and help you through the issues you’re fighting in solitude. In bad relationships, however, they may use it as a way to shame or manipulate you. I’ve seen irreparable damage done when secrets come out after the wedding. Ultimately, relationships are about a mutual fit. If you’re not transparent, you are taking away the right for your partner to choose if they can live with what you are hiding. At the same time, if you can’t bring yourself to be transparent because you truly fear their reaction—you need to ask yourself why. 

4. Am I doing too much?

A good relationship will give and take. So it’s important to realize if you are giving too much, or taking too much. (I’m certainly not saying this should be tit-for-tat—rather, I’m talking about how the relationship should be an ongoing example of giving and taking of each other, without counting.) Consider your plans for household responsibilities, child-rearing, meeting each other’s needs, etc. Whatever it may be, when a relationship’s give and take is lopsided, the consequences can be very negative: resentment, dissatisfaction, disconnection, and mistrust. And as mentioned in point #1, these habits won’t change just because you get married. 

For instance, women in heterosexual relationships carry the mental load, according to statistics. So, at the very least, it’s important to talk about these sorts of tendencies and talk through how you can plan to rely on each other without nagging or resentment.

5. Why do I want to marry this person?

Seems like a no-brainer question, but hear me out. 

When I work with couples on the brink of divorce, I look at their story. How did they meet? What’s their relationship like? How did they decide to get married?

You may or may not be surprised at how often I hear:

We were already living together so figured, ‘Why not?

All of my friends were getting married.

I didn’t want to go back into the dating pool.

Working with couples for over 15 years now, and knowing just how hard marriage can be at times, I caution you to be careful of getting married because you think you “should” be getting married. Your marriage has a greater chance of success if you choose each other, versus sliding into the decision to stay together. 

When I ask dating or engaged couples, “Why do you want to marry this person?” The usual answer I get is, “Because I love them.” 

So I pause and then ask, “And what else?” 

Many times couples rattle off several things they adore, admire, and respect about each other. However, sometimes couples have a difficult time answering — which is a problem. While love is an incredible part of humanity, romantic love alone cannot sustain a marriage. An “I love you” needs to be lived through actions, not only mutual feeling. 

So if you ask yourself why, and you just start to hear crickets — listen to them. They might be telling you something you know you must face. 

As for Brian, he’s still working on his own answers but I know he will get there. I hope these questions can give you some clarity so you can make the decision that is best for you. 

By Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT

As a dating and relationship therapist, one of the most frequent things I hear from my unmarried (but want to be married) clients is that they don’t want to waste their time. But over and over again I see the same thing: a partner can keep them in a relationship for months or years, hinting at marriage as a “someday” thing, when they have no intention of following through. 

If you’re like my clients and you truly don’t want to waste your time, it’s important that you know where you stand in your relationship. There shouldn’t be any guesswork if there’s a future with your partner. Your needs are valid, and for something as important as marriage, you want to make sure your goals are aligned. 

To find out if your relationship has potential for the long haul, here are 5 tips on how to have the future talk with your partner:

1. Create a relaxed setting. People can struggle with heavy intimacy talk, and staring at each other across a table or a couch can make things more uncomfortable. So before you start this conversation, engage in another activity where you can still talk to each other, such as cooking dinner together or going for a hike. Being slightly distracted can lower one’s guard because they feel the conversation is more natural and less intense. 

2. Keep it short and focused. Thinking that you have to have it all figured out in one conversation can be overwhelming and paralyzing. Let your partner know that you’re opening the conversation, but that you don’t need to have it all figured out right away. You will need more talks around what you both think marriage looks like and means to you, and that includes specific topics such as money, sex, lifestyle, chores and responsibilities, children, etc. You’ll quickly see if they’re a willing participant or keep putting off your future.

3. Be specific about why you’re choosing them. When it comes to marriage, people can be terrified that they’re merely fulfilling a role or a timeline. I commonly hear, “We figured it was just the next step” or “All of my friends are getting married.” You want to be very clear about why you are choosing your partner to be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Tell them what you love and adore about them. Tell them why you respect them and what you’ve learned from them. Tell them what excites you about having a future with them and why you can’t imagine life with anyone but them.

4. Don’t give an ultimatum. How you bring up this topic makes a difference in it being taken as an ultimatum versus honoring your desire to be married. Don’t say, “You need to marry me, otherwise I’m going to find someone else.” This is an ultimatum that will most likely backfire. No one wants to feel like they are forced to make a choice, especially if they aren’t ready. You can let them know that getting married is a goal of yours, but if they don’t see you in their future, you’d rather know so that you can both find people who can give you what you want.

5. Be ok with a different timeline—as long as there’s action. 

People have fears of marriage for a number of reasons—their parents divorced, they don’t see many happily married couples, or they’re not 100 percent confident that they are picking the right person. It’s OK to give them a timeline of when you would like an answer. I’ve frequently worked with people who think just more time will magically give them an answer, but it never does. They need to take action to get more clarity, such as reading articles or books, talking to happily married friends, or seeing a relationship therapist. I’ve worked with both couples and individuals in helping them decide whether they should get engaged by giving them the knowledge and skills needed to make a marriage work. I’ve noticed that for many people, discovering this kind of knowledge is power and can calm fears and increase confidence in their decision.

People can put off a conversation like this because they keep trying to find the “right time.” There won’t be the perfect time for a conversation like this, so if you’d like an answer, trust yourself that you’re doing the best thing to make sure you’re not only saving precious time, but getting what you ultimately want and need—someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.