Category Archives: DebsDen

Relationships are a lot of work. It is a fact! The two people in a relationship are working to be in sync and on the same page, striving for that perfect relationship (which does not exist)! To be in sync takes two humans and tries to get them aligned in the right direction and understand what the other is doing, thinking, or dreaming. It is like taking two humans who are different with different backgrounds and trying to align them in a partnership. It is complicated! 

The saying “opposites attract” makes me laugh now because what it really means is “I choose you because we have a lot of differences—we grew up different, we have different traumas, maybe we are different cultures,” and on and on. It is obvious that opposites attract. Even partners with a lot in common are at times opposites! Maybe they sit on opposing sides, or they don’t agree on everything. An opposite partner is not just the opposite sex—it could be an opposite same-sex relationship. There are many types of relationships. 

How do we get in sync? For true intimacy to happen women and men have certain needs right off the bat. Feminine energy needs to feel seen, understood, and safe. Masculine energy needs to feel appreciated, and men need their freedom and want to play! Nothing will shut intimacy down quicker than a feminine energy that criticizes a masculine energy. When women threaten the masculine energy, it is pretty much over. Most men will not tolerate it. They will move on very quickly whether they are married or not. The relationship is over. No one wants to live in a insecure way. 

I had to learn this the hard way. After my divorce I was forced into looking at my side of the relationship. When I say forced, it was more like I was on my knees wondering why I failed so badly at my marriage. Nothing will bring you to your knees quicker than a failed relationship. In my case I was on my knees, and that is where the growth started. I went on a journey, read every book, and took every workshop because I wanted to understand my part and why it is so darn hard to get in sync. I remember when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie separated, and my first thought was “Those two beautiful humans?! If they cant make it, is there hope?” 

I go back to my opening statement, “Relationships are work!” While that is true, when we are in love, love is grand! Love lights us up, there is no better feeling than going to bed at night with your partner’s arms wrapped around you. It is bliss! So how do we get out of sync? Some of the basic, simple go-tos on how to keep a healthy relationship still ring true today:

1. Do not go to bed angry. 

2. Go to the relationship to give, not get.

3. Live in gratitude. 

One of the things I learned on my self-discovery on why I had a fourteen-year relationship end was that we had no map. Right out of the gate we were set up for failure. We had no direction or plan of where the relationship was going. I wasn’t writing anything down or coming to the table with what I needed. It is so important to do this right away during the exploration period. This is why it is called dating—it is to explore and see if the things you both want match up and are in sync. Most people are so caught up in the chemistry that they forget to do the exploration work. Don’t get married and then have a dream! LOL. Have a dream and find someone who loves your dream, and vice versa. 

I had no chance with the tools I had at the time. I was constantly threatening the relationship, separating, and, worse of all, blaming, which all lead to resentments. Resentments lead to anger, and then it is pretty hard to follow the first rule, do not go to bed angry. Needless to say, the end of my first marriage brought out the ugly version of myself, one I am not proud of. The good news is that although my marriage did not last and did not have the fairytale ending, I got something so much more. I found me! I did a lot of work to figure out my part, let go of the past resentments, and focus on my heart and not my head! 

Anytime I want to replay that tape, I just put my hands on my heart and say, “What would my heart do?” I have beautiful tools today. I practice using these tools on me. Yes, on me first. I become the person I want to date! I suggest if you are in a relationship or dating, get prepared and write out all the things you want in a partner, every detail, do not leave anything out. Then become that person! Become the person you want to date. It is a great start. When you begin the exploration, you’ll have a clear idea of what you are looking for. It really helps to cut through all the nonsense! You can also do this if you are already in a relationship and build from there. It might shed light on any problems you might be having, or it could end the relationship. Relationships will die if they are not cared for. 

Ask yourself, How are you caring for your relationship? What are you bringing to the table? Are you giving and loving? Or are you holding back? Shutting down? Take a look at only your part and see if there are areas where you could improve—not because you want your partner to but because you want to. The disagreements will happen, that is part of the deal. This is your one and only, your true love, your person—so how would you treat that person even when you are upset? Like I said in the beginning, relationships are a lot of work. Love yourself, take the oxygen first, put your hands on your heart, and let it guide you. Stay in your heart and out of your head, and I guarantee you will have a greater chance of being in sync.

Debsxo

Love can come easy only after it’s been hard, and, boy, do I know it! My divorce brought me to my knees. I thought I would never find love again. I also lost my best friend through my divorce. There was an odd loneliness that came over me when I would get into the bed that I shared with my husband for twelve years. It took a lot of time for that to feel okay. It was not the kind of loneliness of being alone—it was grief.

Divorce can be like a death, let’s face it. Twelve years of running around with my husband, my best friend and lover, my everything, and then it was over. The grief that I felt was like nothing else. I am sure there was some codependency and withdrawal from the relationship taking place too. All of sudden, I was lost and did not know who I was. 

I have been marinating in the feelings I had around this lately, and I am sure it is because I am writing daily and looking at my part in everything. I’m looking at how I loved in the past and thinking about how I want to love now. It is interesting that I feel completely different and my divorce seems like another lifetime ago. I have now been divorced longer than I was married, and for a while, I thought I wanted to remarry right away. I could not stand the thought of “not being married.” 

I am happy that I have not remarried yet and instead have taken the time to work on myself, especially now that my kids are adults. I do not think another marriage would have lasted if I had jumped into it without first getting to know myself and discovering what I want instead of making decisions out of fear. 

In the past, I made my decisions based on uncertainty. I desperately wanted security, but there is no such thing. In fact, it is the biggest false illusion, and I was always chasing after it. 

Now I am patient with myself, I love easy. I fully accept and am gentle with myself. It is truly freeing to be authentic and free. I dance around and live my life exactly as I want. I learn and I grow. I write from my heart with no filter. I really do not care who is out there judging me anymore. It is beyond freeing. It is none of my business anymore what anyone thinks of me, my life, or my choices. To get to that place is pure bliss. I am soaking in all that life has to offer and the abundance all around me. 

I read now and just let stuff marinate. I no longer feel I have to change everything, get on a program, travel the world, or start a fad diet plan. I do my program, and I just sit and let it all be absorbed. I relax and know the answers will come. I am free. 

We all have a program inside of us that will set us free. I finally realized this back in November 2020 when I woke up in the middle of the night, not able to sleep as I was riddled with fear. I kept thinking, “I need to go on a retreat, I need to go on a meditation retreat, I need to do a yoga retreat.” And then it hit me: I need to do my program, which is inside me. My body knows what she needs, and she doesn’t need another retreat or seminar. She just needs to love and be easy on herself. And so that is what I did. I wrote out my program. For the most part, I have stuck to it for six months, and a lot has changed! 

I write every day, which I never thought I would love as much as I do. I look forward to my time at my computer just writing away and not caring how I sound or whether I am saying something correctly. I just write. I work out, take walks, hike, do yoga, meditate, read, and cohost a podcast for fun called Roger the Wild Child Show. I am back to doing modeling and auditioning, and it is fun! I am my authentic self, loving easy in everything I do today. I do not struggle or try. I took “I am trying” out of my language. Instead, I say, “I am doing or I am inspiring.” 

I am getting certified as a life coach. I am not sure what I will do with it, that has not been revealed yet, but I am enjoying the process. I have two books I am working on, and I am acting in a film in July. I tell you this not to impress you but to show you our programs are inside each and every one of us. The answers I have been searching for over so many years were with me all along. The minute I stopped everything else and got off my fast-paced train, the answers came. 

Here is what I learned: I stick to my program and listen to my intuition. I do Deb. I keep it very simple. I am way more patient today. I know I have no control over any of it, so I now put one foot in front of the other and enjoy the journey. I have absolutely no idea where any of this will take me, and I love that! I am getting comfortable in the unknown, I have surrendered, and I am definitely not in control. I am, however, in control of me, my reactions, my journey, and my life! 

Do me a favor. After you read this, go to the mirror and say, “I love you” to yourself. Do it three times! Be gentle with yourself, and love easy. 

Debsxo

As you all know, I am on a journey, which started because of heartbreak. In my fifty-seven years, the one part of my life I really did not give any attention to is relationships. It’s true. I was married to a beautiful soul, and we had three amazing children, but I could not figure out the relationship program. 

Do not misunderstand me, I really wanted to, and I feel that if I would have prioritized this maybe I would not be a statistic in the divorce world. But this is my journey and my story, and I am not a fan of playing the what-if game (if you have been read my previous blog post [INSERT LINK TO #13 WHAT-IF BLOG POST HERE]). I choose now to experience learning and growth. So heartbreak for me is like nothing else; it is the one emotion that has brought me to my knees. 

My journey began when I was forty, divorced, and broke and had no career (at the time I was a full-time mom) and no clue how to function alone with three kids in the world. Even though I thought I wanted the divorce, I was very heartbroken. 

Let's break that down because it has taken many years for me to figure this out through daily practice. I loved my wasbund and our family. I loved being a wife and being married. I loved a lot of things to this day about my marriage that I think of often, like little sayings he and I had that only we would understand. For example, we called each other “lover” and we would yell out, “Oh my lover!” when we started a sentence. We would have inside jokes at family functions that only he and I got. We could put a smile on the other’s face with just a look. We were partners for close to fourteen years. Then it was over. 

What sat heavy in my heart wasn't so much the end of that relationship, even though it felt like a grieving process. It was that I now had to do everything on my own. After my divorce I had to find myself again. I didn't even know what I liked or disliked when people would ask where I wanted to eat—I had no idea. I had no idea how to go to a coffee shop by myself! I had to learn how to live as a divorced women with three kids. My identity and way of life changed. I was heartbroken for a long period after my divorce. I would cry for no reason, and I would be in emotional pain. 

I realize now that my journey started here, in that time of heartbreak, where everything moves differently in your world and you wonder why no one else gets it. In my darkest hour, my emotional and spiritual growth needed to start, but my body and mind were not ready, so I drank more, disconnected more, and isolated more. My world just got darker and darker the more I fought growing. The more I stayed in this heartbreak, the more I thought I could never replace those thoughts and feelings. There were so many emotions in one day that I would be completely exhausted, just worn out wanting the pain to stop. I did not have the company of another to distract me, and so the emotions were right there in front of me nonstop—those gut-wrenching heartbreak emotions. 

It takes what it takes to learn and grow, and I can say today that looking back, I look like a completely different person. Thank god. I am a different human only because I have done the heartbreak work. 

Heartbreak would suddenly show up a few more times after my divorce in other relationships. Of course it is everywhere! Then one day I stopped and said, “Enough. I want to learn about relationships, and I want to grow and find a long-lasting love.” In order to do this, I had to be completely alone to figure out what was driving me. 

What is funny is the minute I went on this journey, so many people wanted to date me, my phone started ringing off the hook, and my friends wanted to set me up. I said I am in a relationship—with myself, of course, though they did not need to know. But that is what happened, I got into a relationship with myself. 

Major growth happens when you are alone with yourself. There were a lot of sleepless nights, panic moments and thoughts, and grief about the past. Heartbreak cannot break your heart; it can just teach you or force you into growth. It can be a beautiful teacher. It has saved me, and it has saved my future relationship. 

Heartbreak allowed me to find myself. Be grateful for your heartbreak, give it a big “Thank you.” It showed you that you will love again bigger and better! 

Debsxo

There is no such thing as closure. Period. I have been on both sides of the coin. I have broken hearts, and I have had my heart broken. And what I mean by that, since you cannot actually break a heart, is that I have ended relationships and have had them end on me. There is no closure for either party. Once that is accepted, you move on. 

When relationships end, most people want closure, a proper ending. Some people think that involves being the one to end it or talking it out. Here is the deal: once one of the parties decides game over, that is the closure. That is what they decided. There are no answers, there are no long drawn-out explanations, and there are no stories that have to be discussed. It is ended. Time to accept and move on. 

You cannot get closure from the person who ends the relationship. I have tried, and trying doesn't work. And I am sorry, but there is no way to end a relationship that is easily acceptable to both parties. The reason why someone ends, cheats, divorces, goes silent, and ghosts you is not important! What is important is how you handle it. Do not make my mistakes in relationships! It is only important how you handle the end. 

I get that it might not be over for you, and that can become painful only from the thoughts you have about it. If you feel it is not over for you, can you do me a favor and ask yourself, “Why is it not over for me?” and then write down every reason why. Then ask, “Why do I need or require closure?” and write that all down. After you answer those two important questions, think back to when you first met and write down how you met and what happened. Did you leap into this without exploration? Did you jump into bed immediately before actually getting to know the person? Did you fall in love without doing your due diligence? I know it’s not very romantic to do so, but this is your life. Go back and take the time to evaluate your process. See if there were red flags or if you contributed to the chaos. Understand there is no closure when you write down the timeline and your part in it. 

What the other person does is of no concern to you, which can be a painful lesson to learn. The actions of the other person is all the closure you need. Instead of wasting your time over something you have zero control over(and everyone around you will see this brutal waste of time), you can prepare yourself for the person who is supposed to be in your life! How beautiful is that? Stop wanting closure, it is a waste of time. There is no outside closure. Give yourself closure. Give yourself that gift. Be grateful that person is gone and you now have a big opportunity to meet the person of your dreams, your one true only. 

Remember you do not need to talk or open up a conversation about the past. It is over! Just close the door and do your own work. Take all the time you need. I get you are thinking, “But they were my best friend, I told them everything! I need closure!” I know you are hoping that they will come to their senses. They will not, and why would you want them to? Think about it. Do you want to be in a relationship where you forced it? I do not think so. 

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston starred in a movie called The Break-Up. Although it is hard to watch at times, it has so many gems and lessons. Remember, you do not need closure. It is over; move on and write down everything you are feeling in a journal, but don’t share it with the other person. Save them and all your friends the drama! They gave you their answer when they ended it loud and clear. That, my friend, was the closure!

Debsxo