Dear Emily,
My boyfriend of three years and I have decided that we would really like to spice things up in the bedroom, but we’re having trouble coming up with something that will WOW us both.
He has proposed the idea of a threesome several times throughout our relationship, and I’ve always ignored it or changed the subject. I just wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But now that we’re looking to try new things together, I’m wondering if I should give the threesome idea a chance. On the one hand, it sounds like it could be a really fun time, but what if it changes things between us? So my question is, can a threesome ever be a good thing for people in a relationship? And if so, how can I tell if my relationship is ready for one?
Thanks,
Kelly
Dear Kelly,
It’s no secret that a threesome is considered to be THE hot ticket sexual fantasy. I’m pretty sure that most men would place group sex at the top of their sexual bucket lists, followed closely by sex in a public place and backdoor play, naturally.
But unlike the random, carefree three-ways often depicted in movies (oh yeah, and in porn), it’s a pretty rare occasion for three people to just happen into a menage-a-trois. In the real world, a sexy party of three usually starts with two. And this is where things become complicated. While one random hot night between three single strangers can provide the uninhibited experience of your dreams, a couple has much more to deal with the morning after.. And the morning after that. And after that.
It’s healthy that you’re asking these questions, Kelly. It shows that you are approaching this in the right way, and are putting your relationship first. Trust me when I say that this is a very good place to start.
So many people jump into threesomes without considering how it will affect the dynamics of their relationship. For a committed couple in a steady, open and honest relationship, a threesome can be the stuff fantasies are made of. But for a couple whose communication is on the rocks, or whose sex life is in desperate need of revival, one little threeway can be the straw that breaks the relationship’s back permanently.
The real question here is, Is a threesome right for YOUR relationship? Can you and your partner “ride the tricycle” and come out virtually unchanged?
To figure this out, you need to be willing to ask the right questions, and to be completely honest, both with yourself and your partner. So before you jump on the threesome train, here’s a checklist to help you figure out if you’re relationship is ready to take the ride.
Threesome Checklist: Can you handle it?
1. Is this something that you BOTH are interested in?
You’d be surprised how many women (and men, too) find themselves being cajoled into a three-way situation without really wanting it for themselves. By the time they figure out that they are NOT comfortable with the situation, it is usually too late. Giving into a threesome is not the same as letting your partner pick the movie on date night. If your heart (and your head) aren’t in it, you may find yourself less than satisfied with the outcome.
So how do you figure out if you’re actually interested in the idea, rather than your partner’s enthusiasm for the idea: Does the thought of being pleasured by someone besides your partner turn you on? Does the idea of seeing your partner pleasure someone else turn you on? If you’re not sure, you can always flip on some erotica to fill in the blanks; treat yourself to a viewing of steamy porn threesomes and try to imagine yourself as one of the players. If you feel more hot than bothered, this could be a sign you’re interested in bringing the scenario off the screen and into your relationship.
2. What is the current state of your relationship?
Before a couple considers the idea of romancing a third, they need to be sure their twosome is on solid ground. If you and your significant other are not in a good place, you must go back to the drawing board and patch those holes first.
If you’ve had problems with trust in your relationship, turn back. If either of you struggle with jealousy or insecurities, turn back. If you have trouble communicating openly and honestly with your partner (or vice versa), TURN BACK. Only couples who are in stable relationships and who can communicate and set ground rules should venture into a menage a trois. A threesome will not save a dying relationship, but it will bring those pre-existing weak spots to the surface and push them until they break.
3. How is your sex life?
It’s true that a successful threesome can reignite the spark in a somewhat dulled sex life, but it’s not going resuscitate something that has been on it’s death bed for months. A menage-a-trois is should be an accoutrement to an already fulfilling sex life — it’s not a replacement or substitution, and to use it as such is asking for trouble. A crucial prerequisite for any threesome-seeking couple is agreeing they actually enjoying having sex with each other first.
One of the greatest threesome fears for couples is that their partner will enjoy having sex with the other person more, or that it will open the door to trysts outside the relationship. Unfortunately this fear IS valid, especially for couples who are already feeling sexually dissatisfied. The best way to protect yourself against this (besides being able to trust your partner) is to make sure that you are only inviting a guest star to join an already thrilling sex ensemble.
4. What are your ground rules?
One of the most challenging aspects of a spontaneous threesome is the lack of clearly defined boundaries. If you don’t set rules and guidelines with your partner beforehand, you will have little to no control what happens during and after the act.
Have most of your hard limits ironed out before you discuss them together. What rules do you require to be followed to feel safe in a threeway situation? What are you looking for from this third party (i.e. a playmate for you? For him? For both of you to share separately and then together?) How much do you want them to participate? And where do you draw the line — Penetration? Kissing? Spending the night?
Once you’ve outlined your rules for the night, it’s time to comfortably discuss them with your partner. This will guide both of your mid-threesome behaviors and make for a more enjoyable experience all around.
5. What is your end goal?
If your relationship is sound, your current sex life is hot, and you’re aware of all of your hard limits, there’s only one question left to ask and this one’s a doozy: What are you hoping to achieve from this party of three?
Obviously you’re just looking to have some fun! But it’s crucial that you’re both on the same page. Is this one night of kinky fun, or a segue into a less monogamous lifestyle? Both motives are acceptable, as long as they ring true for both of you. Otherwise, you may feel even more off-track once the threesome is over and the mixed feelings become even harder to realign.
A threesome can be an exciting way for a couple to venture outside their comfort zone and experience something (or someone) entirely new, while still remaining committed to each other. Just make sure you’re going into this with eyes wide open (as opposed to Kubrick’s group sex imaginings in Eyes Wide Shut).
Clearly to prepare yourself and your relationship for a fun and frisky tricycle ride is to TALK IT OUT — both before and after. If you’re not comfortable communicating your needs, fears and expectations to your partner, there are much bigger issues for you to worry about.
Be safe and have fun!
XXX
Emily
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