Lately, the topic of swinging has come up a lot in my office. For those who might be out of the loop, swinging is when singles or partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity. Married couples will often choose to swing in the hopes of keeping their marriage exciting, alive, and full of passion.
Swinging is becoming vastly more popular, especially in the suburbs, and I find that my clients broach this topic with me on a pretty consistent basis. They usually want to know if it’s possible to have a monogamous long-term relationship full of spark and interest, or if trying something like swinging is necessary as a way to keep things exciting with their partner.
I’m going to put it right out there and say that I do not believe in healthy swinging. I know that it might sound like an exciting adventure, and that some couples swear by it, but in my professional opinion, “healthy swinging” does not exist.
I say this because I have seen first hand how swinging has devastated the health of various couples I’ve known and worked with. This usually happens because the act of swinging takes away the boundary that is commonly set between two people in a long-term relationship or a marriage. Adding a new person into your sexual relationship has the potential to open up a huge can of worms that can’t always be re contained. It is very common for one person in the couple to take swinging behavior out of context and cheat on their partner. I have also seen people fall in love with one of the other individuals that they had been swinging with.
So, if swinging isn’t the answer you may be wondering how can you keep a monogamous relationship “hot”…. Is it even possible?
In short, my answer is YES! Of course you can keep things spicy without straying from your monogamous relationship. In fact, there is a really great book that I recommend you read called Hot Monogamy by Dr. Patricia Love if want to learn more about this topic.
All honeymoon periods end, and all relationships require work to sustain.
In my experience, in order to achieve this “hot monogamous” state, it is imperative that you continue to work on the creation of intimacy in your relationship for as long as you are both together. It’s pretty widely known that the “honeymoon period” of a relationship only lasts approximately six months to one year, so regardless of the relationship you are in there will come a time where you have to put in some effort to keep your relationship intimate and exciting. All honeymoon periods end, and all relationships require work to sustain. (Keep in mind this is not “work” in the traditional sense! This work should be fun, thrilling, and rewarding.)
Here are three ideas that you can try with your partner to cultivate closeness and achieve the hot monogamy you desire. Let this be the best “job” that you’ve ever had to take on!
Date Night:
I’ve said it before, but I will say it again, having a real date night with your partner is unbelievably important. And by real, I mean a date night like you would have had when you first started seeing each other, NOT sitting at home in front of the TV while eating takeout.
Get ready for your date like it’s the very first time you are meeting your partner. Pick out an outfit you know they will like and that you feel sexy in. Choose a place to go that you have never been to before, or that you used to go to together when you first started dating. While you are out on the date talk about the things you find most attractive about each other. Share a secret that you might have, or tell your partner something that you have never told them before. Most importantly, make sure you FLIRT with your partner!
Share a Fantasy:
Having a healthy sexual relationship with your partner is all about good communication and sharing your private ides about what good sex means to you. Often couples who have been together for a while become embarrassed about sharing a private fantasy with their partner, but if you don’t communicate your needs and desires to your partner they will never be met. You will be setting yourself up to be left feeling unfulfilled. By sharing your fantasy, or new fantasies as they come up, you will be able to keep reinventing your relationship and connection again and again.
Try Something New:
Trying something new with your partner is a great way to create a deeper bond and intimate connection. This is especially true if you pick an activity that is physical in nature, or out of your comfort zone. Physical activities are very bonding and great for the libido, so start thinking outside the box. Some fun ideas my clients have tried are to pick up a sexual position book and try each one, or choose to experience a new activity like skydiving or rock climbing together. Plan something new or spontaneous, and make every moment count while you are spending this time together.
Whether you have been with your partner for one year or twenty-five, I have seen these strategies work for couples time and time again. Don’t feel forced to jump into something like swinging when there are so many other ways to spice things up in your relationship. Give my ideas a shot, and let me know how your search for “hot monogamy” goes!
