Q:
Hi Emily,
I have a question regarding sex with my fiance. We really only have sex on the weekends, maybe once or twice on Saturday or on Sunday morning. He works long hours and is often very tired after work, and he has stated on multiple occasions that he doesn’t feel like having sex when he is tired. Personally, I would love to be getting busy more often, but I always end up feeling like he’s just not into it.
Recently I brought up these feelings to him and he admitted that he is often too tired to initiate sex, but he wouldn’t turn me down if I got things started. He has always been the initiator in our relationship, so I know it’s my turn to make the first move, but I’m having trouble getting things started. How can I get better at initiating sex?
Thanks,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You bring up an interesting question, Sarah, one that a lot of women struggle with. From a young age, we are cautioned against being too forward with men, so we grow up believing that we should always be the object of desire, never the giver. It’s no wonder that we develop into intelligent, ambitious women who have no problem taking the lead in all aspects of our lives… except, of course, in the bedroom.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be desired, or even wanting to be sexually dominated. The problem arises when we subconsciously take a backseat in our own sex lives; we expect our partners to be full-time drivers and then complain when we’re unhappy with where we’ve ended up.
It’s no surprise that your fiance is feeling worn out — the burden of always being the initiator can get pretty heavy. One of the most common complaints I hear from men in relationships is that they wish their partner would initiate sex more often. It’s not that men don’t want to take the lead, they’re just looking for a little reciprocity. After all, your guy deserves to feel wanted and desired, too.
You need to ask yourself, what’s stopping you from taking a more active role in your sex life? Is it the fear of rejection that’s slowing you down, or that sneaky feeling that it’s too taboo? Or do you just need a little confidence boost to help you get in the initiating mood?
It’s time to let go of whatever is holding you back and start being the change you’d like to see in the bedroom. Here are three simple steps to help get you started:
Step 1: Get Yourself in the Mood
The first time initiating sex can be daunting, especially if you’re not sure how it will go over. But before you even think about jumping your partner’s bones, you need to turn that sexual tension inward and stage a little self-seduction. After all, how can you expect to get someone else in the mood for sex when you’re not even there yourself?
There are a handful of habits all women have when they’re prepping for a night of hot sex — a sexual nesting ritual, if you will. You tidy up your room, put fresh sheets on your bed, light some candles, play some music. You get the picture. It’s all about creating an atmosphere for sex! Then it’s time to pamper yourself. Take a bath, shave, and throw on the slinky negligee that makes you feel like a million bucks. Do whatever you need to do to get your space (and yourself) in the zone for sex. The more sexually confident and desirable you feel, the easier it will be to get your partner on the same page.
Step 2: Stage the Seduction
Despite what you’ve seen on the silver screen, a true seduction does not necessarily involve a lot of bells and whistles (although the bells and whistles can be quite fun). In truth, setting the scene for the evening’s enticement can be as simple as sending a steamy text message.
Men are highly visual creatures and it doesn’t take a lot to rev their engines, so little hints throughout the day are more than enough to get them on your level. No matter how tired your lover is, when he receives a sexy picture along with the note “Can’t wait for you to get home tonight”, he is sure to perk right up… At least, parts of him will!
Step 3: Just Go for It
When a guy is interested in getting busy, he doesn’t pussyfoot around. He doesn’t hover around the edge of the pool and gently test the waters before dipping a toe in at a time; he observes, makes a judgement call and jumps in before he loses his nerve. While this is probably a dangerous practice with a one night stand, you have the benefit of knowing your lover and knowing that he is on the same page as you. So take a page out of his book and just go for it!
Whether you’re greeting him at the door wearing nothing but a smile or offering him a sensual massage (with a guaranteed happy ending), the most important thing is that you act on your desire. Show your man that you’re as hot for him as he is for you, and he will surely come back for more.
Keep in mind that initiating sex is just like a muscle: It gets easier the more you work it. Once you take the plunge and experience the pleasurable benefits, you will realize how easy it is to take control of your sex life.
XXX
Emily
Want more Sex With Emily? Check out my podcasts for free on iTunes. Also, check out my book Hot Sex and my iPhone app Kegel Camp for stronger orgasms. For some sexy products to enhance your sex life: try an Emily & Tony massage candle that turn into luxurious massage oil and DownUnder comfort to stay fresh and dry down there. Use Coupon Code SEXWITHEMILY for 20% off your first order.
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