Dear Emily,
I have a problem with masturbation — I can’t do it.
It’s not that I’m a prude about masturbation. Believe me, I have tried time and time again! I know what I’m supposed to do and I get how to do it, I’ve masturbated in front of a partner before and it was GREAT. But when it’s me by myself, I just can’t seem to get into it or even get to a place where it feels good. Since I’m doing the actual touching part the right way, I know it has to be something about my mindset. What am I doing wrong?
How can I help myself get in the mood for masturbation?
Sincerely,
Solo Sex Struggles
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Dear Solo Sex Struggles,
I know you probably feel like the odd woman out, but let me assure you: You are not the first woman to struggle with this sticky solo sex situation and you certainly won’t be the last.
For many women, masturbation can be a confusing process and it takes a little bit more than an hour of free time to get us in the mood. Unlike men, who have been touching themselves since they were in utero, women face a few more obstacles on the road to mastering masturbation. There is no magical “On/Off” switch that takes us from zero to arousal in 2.3 seconds flat.
The good news is, you’re halfway there! You know HOW to touch yourself and what you like, now you just need to figure out what piece of the self-pleasure puzzle you’re still missing. And you’re absolutely right, it has everything to do with your mindset going into it!
Before you even start stimulating yourself, you’ve must get a much larger sex organ on board: your brain. It doesn’t matter how great you are with your hands, if you aren’t in the right mindset for sex, you’re in for a frustrating ride. This becomes especially true during masturbation; without a hot naked partner to play off of, all you’ve got to get things going is you, yourself and, well, YOU.
There is no perfect formula for getting yourself “ready” to masturbate. What you can do it find out what works for you by trying out different practices. To help you on your journey to masturbation mastery, here are 3 easy suggestions to jumpstart your solo sex sessions and get those self-love juices flowing.
1. Eliminate distractions
Women are the queens of multi-tasking. We pride ourselves on being able to take on 4 or 5 activities at once and get them all done without breaking a sweat. But unlike dishes, making dinner and balancing your checkbook; masturbation is the type of task that deserves — neigh, requires! — your full and undivided attention.
I get it, you’re a busy woman, you’ve got a lot going on, but you need to start treating your self-love time as sacred. Before you even hit the bedroom, do whatever it takes to de-stress and eliminate those debilitating distractions. When it’s time to masturbate, shut off your phone, power down your laptop and surrender yourself to the moment. Whether or not you reach climax, you’ll still be thankful you set aside this time for you.
2. Create a sexy space
There has been more than enough research to show that your environment has a huge impact on your state of mind, so make sure that your surroundings support a sexy mindset. Think of it as a Field of Dreams scenario: If you build it, you will come.
Create a space that makes you want to seduce yourself, because that’s essentially what you’re trying to do here — You’re staging a self-seduction. Remove all signs of clutter, work papers, and dirty laundry, and replace them with more sensual decor. Light a few aromatherapy candles, switch on your favorite sexy-time playlist and throw some of your most comfortable sheets on the bed (BTW: my new favorites are the organic cotton sheets by Boll and Branch!) A glass of wine probably wouldn’t hurt, either. By the time this nesting process is done, you’ll find yourself relaxed, rejuvenated and primed for more erotic activities.
3. Think Erotic Thoughts
So you’ve left your distractions at the door, you’ve turned your bedroom into a love den, and yet you’re still not feeling the fire in your nether regions? Don’t give up hope. You’ve done what you can to sex up your surroundings, now you need to focus on getting that big sexy brain turned on, one way or another.
Although it’s generally considered a man’s sport, porn can be a great way for both men and women to get themselves into the masturbation mindset. But if you’re not necessarily a porn person, you can always turn to your own sexy mind for extra stimulation. Fantasizing is an important skill for all women to develop; research shows that women who are able to fantasize have a better chance of reaching orgasm, whether solo or with a partner. And it doesn’t have to be some elaborate multi-player scenario that you cook up — it could be as simple as perusing your memories for a couple of steamy experiences, and playing on those.
Think about a time when you were the most sexually aroused, then recreate that scenario in your mind. Get in touch with what you were feeling both emotionally and physically at the time, and then imagine how you’d take it to the next level. Before you know it, you’ll have plenty of material for your masturbation bank.
While mindset is obviously the most important factor in getting you where you need to be, masturbation-wise, it certainly doesn’t hurt to have a few “sure things” tucked into your goodie drawer, too. The Magic Wand has been a self-love staple for over 30 years, and for a good reason: You can always count on those deep, penetrating vibrations to take you straight to O-town! And now, the same vibrator that you know and love is also available in a portable, yet just as powerful, rechargeable version!
With the help of a dependable vibrator and a trusty bottle of lube, you’ve got everything you need to become the master of your own pleasure!
Xx
Emily
Want more Sex With Emily? Check out my podcasts for free on iTunes. For some sexy products to enhance your sex life: Unlock the secret to your orgasmic potential with the one-of-a-kind Sybian ($75 off with code: EMILY75). Tighten and tone your pelvic floor for stronger orgasms with the Intensity by Pour Moi. Looking for new additions to your goodie drawer? Use code EMILY for 15% off at Good Vibrations where you can find all my favorite toys in my store.
Have a question? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.
