I was seriously just in a bad sitcom over the weekend. It was one of my girlfriend’s birthdays (a big one!) and her new-ish boyfriend decided to throw her a surprise party. It was really sweet. He went the distance and flew in her family, contacted all of her friends and coordinated a night full of all of her favorite things. The one snag was that she caught on to him. Well, kinda. She knew he was keeping a big secret from her and flipped out. She seriously thought he was cheating on her! She wound up being very touched by the party and feeling like a total doofus for doubting him. But, she confided in me later, that she felt so betrayed when she thought he was keeping a secret from her. I wish that she’d come to me when she was going through it, but I didn’t know about this until after the party. If she had come to me first, here’s what I would have said.
It’s OK
The number one thing to remember is that secrets are OK. Just because he’s your man doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to know every single thing he has going on in his brain. And you don’t have to know everything about him to love him fully. He may not want to talk about his past relationships, certain things that his friends told him in confidence or even some work things. And that’s fine! As long as you feel like he’s open with you about things that really count—like his feelings for you, his fidelity to you and where he wants this relationship to go—then he can be private about other small things. Of course, being private is far different than lying to you. Lying is 100% problematic. So, be wary of that!
Why isn’t he sharing?
If you realize your man has a secret, think about why he isn’t sharing it with you. Maybe it’s not that he’s not telling you, it’s that he doesn’t think it’s important. So what if he didn’t tell you that his high school girlfriend is a famous actress? This actually happened to a friend of mine. She felt very strange about not knowing that her boyfriend had dated someone who was on the cover of the magazine she was reading! But, it had absolutely no bearing on his life today! Or maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable with you on this topic. Have you been judgmental around him in a way that doesn’t make him feel safe to share? If so, you could have some work to do. It also could be that his secret would be bad news for your relationship, which of course is the worst option here. Really hoping that’s not the case for you.
Be available
If you don’t think the secret is relationship shattering and it’s just something that he’s keeping bottled up inside for other reasons, then you want to make him feel easy sharing it with you. That’s all you can do. Then the choice is up to him if he wants to actually share or not. You probably want to express to him how strong your feelings are for him and how nothing could change that. Maybe slip in some stories about when someone else confided in you and how much you respected them for it. You can even tell him that you think he has something he’s been keeping from you and you want to let him know that you’re here for him. Just bring it up once, though. You don’t want to push him or make him feel uncomfortable. And then you just have to wait for him to come to you. Be available and open, but don’t force him into anything. That never works.
Assess how you feel
Now it’s time to check in with your gut. How are you feeling? If you wish your guy would share this probably small thing with you, but generally feel fine about the relationship, great! This sounds like a little blip on the radar of love and nothing to worry about. But, if this secret is giving you the icks and you can’t get past it, this seems like a much bigger deal and something that should make you think twice about your relationship. You can’t force anyone to tell you anything they don’t want to, but you also don’t have to force yourself to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust.
Hopefully your man’s secret is just as sweet as my friend’s guy’s secret. But, if it’s not a surprise party up his sleeve, I’m hoping these little steps help you!
