Dear Emily,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and love him to bits. He’s great! The only thing that kinda gets me down is that he doesn’t last as long as he used to. He says that he’s just too turned on, which I guess I understand, but he doesn’t try to help me finish. What can I do to help him last longer? And how can I get him to understand that he should be helping ME orgasm too, not rolling over and passing out?
Thank you for your insight!
Miranda from Canada
Okay Miranda, this is a sensitive situation, and not entirely uncommon. Men’s stamina has a tendency to fluctuate over time, so I’m not concerned here—there are plenty of ways you can work together to help him last longer. What I’m more concerned about is the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about pleasing you first.
Whether he doesn’t realize how important your pleasure is, or he’s just playing lazy, this simply will not do. Great sex generally centers around both parties leaving satisfied, so your man needs to tune in to your sexual needs. Unfortunately men are not mind-readers, no matter how much we wish they were; the only way to help your guy make a change is to have the much-needed sex conversation.
Before you launch into a lengthy discussion about your not-so-lengthy lovemaking sessions, keep in mind that this can be a very sensitive subject for men. Whether he’s suffering from premature ejaculation or is only missing the mark by a minute or two, I can guarantee that your guy is likely insecure about his current stamina. To make sure that your message is well-received, it’s time to plan out how you want to address the subject. And when it comes to these situations, timing is everything.
It’s best for sex conversations to take place as far from the bedroom as possible. Would you want to receive a sexual critique in the same space you get busy? Probably not. Instead, opt for a neutral area, like in the kitchen or in the car. And whatever you do, do NOT broach the topic when you are pre- or post-coital. Trust me on this one.
When it’s time to talk, keep your tone supportive and positive. Let him know that you love how turned on he gets when you’re together, but that you also have needs that are not being met. Sexual satisfaction is a team effort, after all. Luckily, there are some things you both can do that will not only help you have an orgasm, but will also help him increase his stamina. And it all starts with foreplay.
Do Foreplay Your Way:
If you want to guarantee a solid orgasm or two, foreplay is an absolute necessity. When you jump right into intercourse without any real sort of warm up, you’re not giving your body the chance to become fully aroused… It’s like you jumped into a play after the second act and now the whole damn story doesn’t make any sense!
The solution: step up the pre-sex activities. However much foreplay you’re currently working with, double it. Triple it, even! Whether it’s through dirty talk, touching, kissing, or a little cunnilingus, encourage your partner to commit to about 15-20 minutes of foreplay. And if he’s not sure what to do, it’s your job to show him the way. On the bright side, focusing on YOUR pleasure will help take his mind off of him getting off, thus buying him a little extra time.
Pick Your Positions:
If your guy has it his way, he is going to select the position that feels best for him, most likely leading to power thrusts and a quick finish. Doggie-style, while certainly a favorite for the male population, is not optimal for those who are quick-on-the-draw. It allows them to pump, pump, pump their way to a speedy climax, but provides absolutely no clitoral or G-spot stimulation for you.
Instead, pick a position that feels best for you and allows you more control of the speed and range of motion. Woman-on-top is great for this reason—it puts you in control, so you can move at a pace that is pleasurable for you, while also allowing for some direct clitoral contact.
Press Your Buttons:
Speaking of the clitoris – how can this little button be so powerful and yet so often overlooked? With approximately 8,000 nerve endings packed into such a tiny space, it’s no surprise that the majority of women require clitoral attention to reach the big O. Unfortunately, the majority of sexual positions leave the C-spot out of the fun, so it’s your responsibility to bring it into play.
This is perfect opportunity to bring a sex toy into the mix. I personally love the discreet, yet powerful, Lay On Rabbit vibrator by The Rabbit Company. It fits comfortably in your hand while the adorable (and functional) “bunny ears” deliver the perfect amount of vibrations to set all those nerve endings on fire. With the help of your hand-held friend, you can make sure that every minute of intercourse counts and double your odds of meeting your guy at the orgasmic finish line.
Slow Things Down:
When in the throes of passion, it may be your man’s natural instinct to start hammering away like he’s tenderizing a steak. Little does he realize, you’re already tender. What you really need to is to be savored, slowly and deliberately, until you’re both had your fill.
For many couples, slow and sensual sex is the secret to longer lasting sex sessions, not to mention increased intimacy. Encourage your partner to slow down his movements, and focus on swiveling and rocking his hips instead of thrusting. If he still gets too excited, don’t be afraid to take a quick break. He can tend to you manually or orally while he regains composure, then ease back into intercourse when you’re both ready.
Just remember that you’re both in this together, Miranda. With a little patience, a bit of communication, and a whole lot of foreplay, you and your guy can absolutely get back on track. Let me know how it goes!
XX
Emily
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