Dear Emily,
Lately I have found myself not that interested in sex, and I think I know why. My long-time boyfriend and I have very busy schedules, and we don’t have as much time as we used to in the bedroom. As a result, all of our sex sessions end up being what you might call “quickies”. He is totally happy to get in, get out and move on to the next thing, but these interactions just aren’t satisfying for me. So now when he brings up the idea of sex, I make excuses or try to get out of it.
I’ve tried explaining my feelings to him, but he just doesn’t get it. He thinks that I’m not interested in him sexually, but that’s not the case – I just feel like I need more! Am I being totally unreasonable? What can we do to make sex enjoyable again, for both of us?
Sincerely,
Sick of Quickies
Dear SOQ,
No you are not being unreasonable, and let me tell you why. The thing you are craving, the piece that is missing from your current sex life is known as foreplay. Foreplay is the warm up to your sexual activity, the previews getting you amped up for the feature film, and for many women it is damn near impossible to have an orgasm without it. So why is it often the first thing to go in long-term sexual relationships?
Herein lies the problem. For men, foreplay is an unnecessary detour to intercourse. It’s like an appetizer that they didn’t order. Yeah it’s nice, it’s something to do with their hands, but really their eyes are on the main course. Women on the other hand need that appetizer, especially if the main course is not as filling as they are as hungry as you are.
While your boyfriend may be satisfied with this drive-by style of lovemaking, you are absolutely right: It is not enough. In order to even the odds and get the sex that you both want (and look forward to) you’re going to need to step up the pre-sex festivities. So here are some quick foreplay facts to help get you both started:
1. Foreplay is Not a Suggestion – It’s a Requirement
Men are typically ready to go at the mere mention of sex, however female arousal is a bit more complex. Many men expect women to immediately rise to their level when unfortunately, that’s not how we are wired.
Think of it this way: Men are like frying pans, while women are more like slow cookers. We need way more time to heat up before we’re ready to go. Somewhere between 15-20 minutes, or more. Whether it’s through dirty talk, touching, kissing, or a little cunnilingus, both our minds and our bodies need to be turned on before we can truly enjoy sex. So the truth is, you don’t just want foreplay – You require it.
2. Foreplay Makes Sex Better for Both Parties
Before your partner starts acting like a sexual martyr, selflessly providing you with pre-sex orgasms, it should be noted that foreplay makes sex better for everyone involved. Have you heard of the pesky situation called the “orgasm gap”? It’s no secret that in the race to orgasm, women take around 15 to 20 minutes to cross that finish line, while men tend to hit that mark at five or six. Consider foreplay the great equalizer. If you’re able to knock out an orgasm or two before the race even starts, everybody wins!
Foreplay doesn’t just help with the numbers. It also helps couples maintain physical and emotional intimacy, a very important aspect of any long-term relationship. Even though your day-to-day lives are filled with work, personal and financial strain, foreplay provides a way to feel connected and loved, even if it’s just for 15 minutes.
3. Foreplay All Day
I know what you’re thinking. You’re busy people with busy schedules, and don’t necessarily have time for marathon sex sessions and hours of oral. Well here’s a fun fact for you: Foreplay does not start once your back hits the bedspread – It starts after your last orgasm!
Spend all day on foreplay? Not as hard as your think. Send each other a sexy text about what you’d like to do to each other that night. Exchange kisses, shoulder rubs, and hot whispers of what is to come. These little reminders will keep you both primed and physically connected until you can actually get to the good stuff. By the time you hit the bedroom, you will be mentally aroused and ready to put in some serious work!
No matter how fabulous your partner is, there is one thing he will never be: A mind reader. Now that you know what you need, it is up to you to communicate this to him. If your guy is a keeper, and wishes to continue having sex with you, he will care about your sexual enjoyment as much as his own and be willing to put in the extra time. And if not, there’s definitely a vibrator that’s up to the challenge (Like the Je Joue Mimi!)
xxx
Emily
Want more Sex With Emily? Check out my podcasts for free on iTunes. Have a question? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Check out my book Hot Sex and my iPhone app Kegel Camp for stronger orgasms. For some sexy products to enhance your sex life: try an Emily & Tony massage candle that turn into luxurious massage oil and DownUnder comfort to stay fresh and dry down there.
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