As a woman, you can always kind of predict (kind of being the operative word) when sex is about to go down. Maybe it’s your fifth date with a guy and he invites you over to his place for dinner. Maybe it’s your tenth date with a guy and he wants to take you on a romantic weekend getaway. Or maybe it’s your second date, and you think there’s a chance of getting frisky (Bathroom? Back seat of his car? The opportunities are endless, am I right?). Regardless of the situation, you should always be prepared if you plan on doing the dirty
Here are my top 5 things NOT to wear when you’re about to do it:
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The Poncho (or anything that resembles a poncho)
Try to stick to an outfit that is form fitting and shows a little bit of skin.
Look, I love a comfy sweater just as much as the next person, but this look isn’t exactly a turn on for guys. It gives you no shape, and quite frankly, you might as well being wearing a Moo Moo as far as I’m concerned. Try to stick to an outfit that is form fitting and shows a little bit of skin. In the words of the great Cher Horowitz from Clueless, “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.”
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Fake eyelashes
Fake eyelashes are a wonderful thing. If done correctly, they can completely transform your face from Plain Jane to Kim Kardashian (okay, maybe not exactly Kim Kardashian, but you get the point). Most guys, however, do not understand the life changing abilities of fake eyelashes, and therefore, will be completely horrified when they wake up to find them on their bedside table. I once made this mistake and the guy thought my fake eyelashes were a tarantula. Please don’t let this happen to you.
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Gel inserts (AKA Chicken Cutlets)
I’ve been blessed in the breast department, so luckily I’ve never had to deal with chicken cutlets unless I’m cooking. But from what some of my girlfriends tell me, gel inserts can be an affordable option if you want some enhancement. Unfortunately, gel inserts can also be a risky investment, especially if you plan on getting some action. No guy wants to take off a girl’s bra and see two gel inserts pop out (talk about a mood killer). If you must wear the inserts, you could excuse yourself to the ladies’ room and take the inserts out before any action begins, although this can lead to another obstacle: boob sweat. So, what is a girl to do? If you plan on having sex, don’t wear inserts. Trust me, a guy will be overjoyed to see any boobs, big or small.
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Fake Bake
Every girl wants that year round glow. I mean if Jennifer Lopez can look like she just got back from the Bahamas every day of the year, why can’t I? If you aren’t blessed with sexual glow, much like myself, then you’re forced to do one of two things: hit the tanning bed or buy some self-tanner. I tend to lean towards self-tanners (as tanning beds scare me) and find myself using them more frequently when I need that extra boost of confidence. Sadly, as sexy as a bronze glow can make you feel, it will not translate well in between the sheets (although it will transfer well onto the sheets). Case in point, one year for my birthday, I decided to treat myself to a spray tan the day before my party. The party and my spray tan were well received, and I decided to cap things off by spending the night at my new boyfriend’s place. As I crawled into bed, he turned to me and said, “Ew. Do you smell that? It smells like something died in here.” That smell of death he was referring to was my spray tan. Needless to say, I didn’t have birthday sex that night.
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Spanx
Three words: Don’t do it. Wear Spanx to Starbucks, your brother’s graduation, your cat’s birthday party–I don’t care; just don’t wear them on a date, ever. We all go through that Briget Jones dilemma of whether or not to look skinny with your clothes on or sexy when your clothes come off, but you should always, ALWAYS choose the latter. Guys don’t understand Spanx. They don’t see huge, skin-tight, unflattering granny panties and think “Let’s do it.” In fact, I would even give a guy a standing ovation if he was able to peel those bad boys off and remain erect. Always go for the sexy underwear over Spanx when you’re going on a date. And besides, if a guy doesn’t appreciate you and your bodacious bod just the way it is, then he’s probably not the right guy for you.
