The loss of a love can bring up other old losses. Recovery after one heartbreak gives us the time to recover from those other ones too. We can be in excruciating pain, and we might want to stay in bed and pull the covers over our heads. Sometimes we can actually feel physical pain. It might feel like the heartbreak is never going to end, but it will.
My Big Heartbreak
In my fifty-seven years I have been through some breakups. Of course, none was harder than my divorce. It actually brought me to my knees in a department store in Salt Lake City. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was at the furniture store RC Willy, and I literally lost my shit. I fell to my knees hysterical, and thank God I was in a furniture store and near the bed section so I could lay down and pretend to try out a new mattress.
Often looking back, and even as I write this, I laugh at how funny it sounds. But at the time it was not funny. I was so incredibly sad. I went through all the stages of grief, and then some. I was sad, then bitter, angry, back to sad, really angry—I felt I was on a never-ending roller coaster.
The phases of pain do eventually stop, though they can reappear during your next breakup. You might go through what you think is the worst breakup ever, and you finally get relief—only to relive it again during the next breakup. Talk about a roller coaster! I certainly went through that cycle. I had another relationship that ended, and my mind took me right back to the RC Willy bed section, crying my eyes out. It took me years to figure out why I came back to that heartbreak while experiencing a new one.
Any Chance of Recovery
The end of a relationship can bring up so much from the past. I did not realize this could happen. What made it worse for me is I never took the time to do the things I do now:
- Journal about the pain.
- Sit in silence.
- Do nothing until the pain somewhat passes.
- Stay close to family and friends and not isolate.
- Talk openly with a few trusted people about the pain.
- Recognize that this is grief and not depression (in most cases, at least).
- Go thirty, preferably ninety, days without contacting the ex (it would be too triggering).
- Get into hobbies.
- And most importantly, accept what is.
I did none of these after my divorce. I went full throttle into working, taking care of the kids, and trying to figure out my identity. I kept asking myself, “Who am I if I’m not Mrs. So-and-So?”
I never did heartbreak recovery for myself. I also was shocked at how quickly my ex moved on and got remarried, which added more to my plate of grief. I kept saying it was too soon and too fast. I felt like I was stuck in a whirlwind of events, and I had no tools to deal with any of it. At the time I took it so personally, thinking, “How could he move on so fast? Why isn’t he grieving?”
Isn’t that interesting? I thought he should be suffering as much as I was, which is not unconditional love. The very essence of unconditional love is just that—to love under any condition.
The Many Faces of Heartbreak
Heartbreak recovery is different for everyone, same as grief. Loss has no timeline. We all have different pasts and triggers that will pop up when we experience losses, breakups, or anything else coming to an end. Separation anxiety can hit after a ten-day vacation, which while not as severe is still real. The same goes for leaving a job, home (when you move), relationships, marriages, and even death. We all will deal with these losses differently. For some, they will jump into another marriage while the ink is still wet on the divorce papers, and that is okay. That is about them and their lives. You just work on you.
Of course, that is easier said than done. When you are in a situation like that, you cannot see straight. You’ll fumble and drop the ball. You might say something you cannot take back that came from a place of anger. Yes, anger is a part of heartbreak. But when you have a good toolbox full of useful therapies, you can reach in and say, “Okay, I have this tool, and I will use it on me, not them!”
Do not judge others for how they move on after a breakup. They are just doing the best they can with what they know. Our job is to work on our self-love. I highly recommend therapy if you can afford it. But we live in a world nowadays where so much is accessible for free, such as this blog. After my divorce I would have devoured this blog and searched for more. I was stuck. If you are feeling stuck and looking at what your ex is doing, stop. Immediately get into your own heart and protect yourself.
Some people will try to make you feel better by saying, “You will look back and see it is all okay.” But when you’re in it, you don’t see or feel that way. I look back on my RC Willy episode and laugh at how completely lost I was. More importantly I cried for days. But it ended up all right.
Cry your heart out, cry your anger out, just cry it out, and focus only on you, not them. Spend your time and energy on you and find out more about yourself so the next person or partner that comes along will be with someone who is doing the important self-work.
How to Recover from Heartbreak
Heartbreak recovery has no time limit. For me, after something comes to an end and I feel heartache, I spend time writing, meditating, doing yoga, and getting in touch with myself again. I cannot date right away, at least not for ninety days. I believe in cleansing the energy and space and clearing my head. I want to be ready for whatever is going to come my way.
Taking time for yourself is the best recovery. A lot gets revealed during that time of being alone with yourself—being alone not in a lonely way but as self-care. Your heart will open even bigger to all possibilities available. Your ex quickly moving on isn’t bad; it is just the Universe saying, “See? Anything can happen!”
Debsxo
