Texting is a modern marvel. Where before a call was needed now a simple text can save us time, a location can be turned into a pin to give us directions, or a phone number can be added directly into our contacts.
For those of us that remember beepers it’s a huge improvement. Texting can also be incredibly annoying.
I hate seeing people texting and driving. I have a daughter and I shudder to think what it’ll be like when she’s ready to drive. It’s so frustrating being stuck behind someone who is texting on the sidewalk or worse, on a date.
How self-obsessed and self-absorbed can you be?
Have you ever been on a date with a guy and he is glued to his phone?
It sucks, right?
It’s degrading. And I can tell you honestly, nothing kills a man’s libido more than being ignored. Recently, I had a client, call him Aaron, tell me a story about the girl of his dreams:
Aaron had finally gotten over his marriage. He’d lost some weight and made strides in his career. His confidence was up and he was ready to ask out his ‘dream girl’.
She said “yes” to the date, and as far as Aaron was concerned, all the chips had fallen into place. He made reservations at the nicest restaurant in his neighborhood.
Once the date started, however, this ‘dream’ girl was a nightmare. She was constantly on her phone.
Aaron’s a nice guy and he tried everything he learned with me to engage with her. He was his most authentic self, but he couldn’t get her attention.
In fact, by the end he was sure she was using him for a free meal. He was mad she had accepted his invitation in the first place. If she wasn’t interested in him she should have just said “no.”
Here’s the twist: she called Aaron a week later.
She was pissed!
Can you believe it?
She asked him why he hadn’t called her back.
When he told her it was her texting, and her non-stop involvement with her phone – she laughed.
Everyone has to text. It’s not a big deal. Let’s go out again.
What this woman didn’t know was Aaron has become the catch he always knew he could be. He’d already moved on and started dating other women. He knew he deserved better than to be treated like a second rate date.
Her loss. It’s easy to get sucked into your own world of technology. I get it. I have a daughter. I have a business (or three). It’s important for my partners, employees and clients to be able to reach me.
But you have to separate. If you want someone to make you an important part of their life, you have to show them you can do the same.
So what are you supposed to do? How do you live in the modern world and not be an asshole?
There are three simple answers:
1. Establish Blackout Times
Though it may feel like you need to be on your phone, the truth is, your letting your phone rule you. Start thinking about your phone as just a tool.
Your phone is there to help you accomplish a task. It’s there to make your life easier. Your phone should not be used as a time killing device or as a friend substitute.
Instead of taking your phone out whenever you’re bored, set up times when you check your phone.
Once you determine when you can check your phone you can set a time limit for how long you need to respond to your messages.
I had a client who was a lawyer. He needed to check his phone at the top of every hour. He gave himself fifteen minutes to answers texts, respond to emails, and then the phone went back into his pocket.
Figuring out when you’ll need to check your phone may take time. It’ll be even harder to not pick it up when your mind wonders. Don’t do it.
2. Make it a Game
You know my philosophy on dating; there are no rules in dating. This includes texting. People have a different tolerance for texting on a date. Ask your date.
What does he think about texting?
If his reaction is intense put the phone away.
If he’s fine with texting, make sure to use it sparingly. Make sure you’re engaging in conversation with him and only checking your phone when you need to.
A friend of mine once went out on a date with a surgeon. They’re both incredibly busy and it took forever for them to schedule the date. Neither wanted to be rude but the temptation to pick up the phone was always there. So they played a game.
They each set their phones in the center of the table face down. The first person to answer had to do something for the other. My friend refused to give me the details of their agreement, but they had a lot of fun..
She answered her phone first. Three months later, they both love telling their first date story. And they still play the game when they go out.
3. Turn the Phone Off
This might seem extreme to some of you, but stay with me. If your phone is a tool you don’t need it to be on 24/7.
If you’re on a date and you don’t need the phone for work or the baby sitter turn it off. If you’re being honest with yourself, you are using the phone as a protective barrier. It’s too easy to use the phone if there’s a lull in the conversation or if you’re feeling awkward.
The reason you’re on the date is to figure out who the person across the table is. You can’t learn anything intimate about your date buried in your phone.
There’s no substitute for being there.
In today’s world, I don’t blame you for the relationship you have with your phone. It’s a tool and it’s a helpful one, but it’s not a surrogate. It’s not a friend.
You’re phone can’t feed you and it can’t protect you from the uncertainty of a first date. Please, please, put down the phone or at the very least regulate how much you use it.
