It’s an old adage that a man will eventually treat his wife the same way he treats his mother. So, according to that wisdom, you should look for a man who treats his mom well. I’m not saying that I 100% ascribe to that theory, but a man who’s respectful of his mother is always a good thing. A man who treats you like his mother is way less of a good thing. And even if it’s not like his mom, treating you like a mom is no bueno too. But, it can happen…especially in families where there are kids and you’re running the show. Here’s how to change that dynamic.
Say it
Like all problems that pop up between couples, step number one is to calmly communicate about it. Let him know that you’re feeling less like his wife and more like his mommy. Have specific examples of things he did that make you feel this way and offer options for how you wish he would have handled the situation. Then, tell him why slipping into the mom role feels so crummy. You want to be your kids’ mom, not his. Your role with him is as his equal, his lover and his teammate. You can’t be those things and his mommy at the same time. Be prepared for this to be a sticky conversation. It will be worth it at the end, but it certainly won’t be easy.
Check yourself
After the conversation, it’s time to look at the woman in the mirror and make sure that you’re not contributing to your husband’s kiddie tendencies. Do you treat him like a child or make jokes about him being one of your kids? That’s a big no no, in my book. Even if you’re not treating him like a child overtly, are you giving him a chance to be your teammate and equal in parenting and running the house? I’m a control freak, so I totally get wanting to do everything yourself. That way, things are just the way you like them. But, that’s not what having an equal partner means. Not everything is going to be done your way and you need to loosen your hold on just about every situation when you’re in a relationship. If you’re wondering why he’s not acting like your teammate, make sure that you’re treating him like you’re players on the same team.
Take a mommy break
This is a tough card to play, but I’m going to share it with you. One of my best girlfriends told me that when she was young, her mom once went on strike. For an entire week, her mom didn’t do anything above going to work and bringing home a paycheck. Then, she’d come home and ask where dinner was, wonder why the house wasn’t cleaner and demand to be driven to the mall. Hearing about this mom strike was hilarious to me at the time. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize it was pure genius. The responsibility and drain of being a mom can often be taken for granted. You might want to go to the extreme to let your husband know exactly what you do for him and how doing it for him makes you feel. Maybe he doesn’t understand that feeding and cleaning up after someone makes it hard to be turned on by them too. And this is one way to show him. Doing it for kids who can’t fend for themselves is one thing, doing it for your husband is another.
Whatever happens, know that you’re not alone in this struggle. A lot of couples I know have had this same exact discussion and figured out a way to resolve it. Good luck to you in finding your solution!
